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Date: November 9, 2009
Host: Lee Borden View Transcript | Archive Index For All Legal Chats The statistics are discouraging: a third or more of all marriages end in divorce. Individuals usually don't get married with the anticipation of ending the union. Divorce can be difficult, confusing and disheartening. Join family law attorney Lee Borden on November 9th, at 9 p.m. Eastern time (8 Central, 6 Pacific) for a discussion on divorce or other family law legal issues.
LEE BORDEN is a lawyer and divorce mediator who lives and works in Birmingham, Alabama. He is the webmaster of www.divorceinfo.com, the comprehensive Internet destination for people struggling with divorce.
He graduated magna cum laude from both the University of Alabama and the University of Illinois.
Lee is an Approved Consultant and Practitioner Member of the Academy of Family Mediators and is a practicing diversity trainer for the National Coalition Building Institute. He has taught several courses relating to divorce mediation, including "The Role of Financial Planning in Divorce" and "Legal Issues for Singles - Soup to Nuts."
"I help people going through divorce," Borden says. "My primary concentration is helping people take control of their divorce by providing as much information as I can, using as many channels as I can. You need to know that I love my work." Live Chat Transcript Ms. Envy: "My ex husband was released from prison a month ago after a 5 year sentence. He is requesting that my son be allowed to spend the night. I have asked him to rebuild the relationship first. I have allowed vistitation but no overnights. My ex husband lives with his best friend and does not have employment or a means to support himself or his sons. He is now threatening to take me to court, because he says I am interferring with his parental rights. Is this correct? We have a schedule that was issued at the divorce in case we cannot reach an agreement, is this valid? He was not at the divorce because he was in prison. My ex husband also said he was putting himself on child support; which is ridiculous because he just got out of prison and doesn't have a job. How & when should I try to collect back child support? Am I in the wrong? I am only trying to protect my son and take things slowly. I believe my son and I both need time to adjust and to build trust. I don't know what is going on over his friend's house. My son doesn't have a room there, nor a bed."
dlund: "we filed for bankruptcy in october and we signed a re-affirmation on the house. I only work a part time job so I signed it knowing I could not afford the payments on my own. My spouse signed it I feel under false pretenses knowing he was going to leave. In January he left the state. We are now divorced and in the divorce decree he signed it states he is responsible for any deficit regarding the house can this be enforced or can they still come after me? What can I do to protect myself they are now foreclosing on the house. thank you"
CasYvet: "I was wanting to know about what is the cost of an uncontested divorce for the county of greenville, S.C."
Absolute_Sassiness: "I have twin boys who are 15 that want to stay in Colorado with their uncle. I am moving to Texas soon. They live with him right now. How should we go about handeling this? Someone told us to try power of attorney for a year."
onaomi: "My cousin is 17 and had gotten pregnant by an older man. He at the time thought that she was of age. She did not tell him that she was 17 until she was 6 months pregnant. She turns 18 one month before the baby is born. Since the baby is going to be born after she turns 18, can he still get in trouble since the child was conceived when she was 17? We would rather him not get into trouble because he was unaware of her real age until she was already 6 months along. Any advice? Is it even a big deal as long as she's 18 when the baby's born?"
rjjones1972: "in 2006 my husband got a job that had health insurance so his requirement was to add his daughter from prior marriage, attempted to do this but ex would send in birth cert and said she would just keep her on her insurance. The child is now 16 and does not live with her mother, so we have requested stop payment of child support and so her mother has decided we must pay all of the bills that she hasn't payed over the last year, reading through the legal papers it states that my husband should have the insurance which he was more than willing to do and is liable for any covered health care costs for which the parent recieves direct payment from an insurer. Must we pay these delinquent bills? Also there are bills for counselling sessions she had, is this classed as medical or under extraordinary health care expenses? must we pay these too? thankyou"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Hi! Welcome to the Family Law chat with Attorney Lee Borden. The chat will begin at 9 PM ET and last one hour. To keep things organized, my primary role for this chat, I'd like to let you know that we take questions based on the order of entry. If each of you would prepare your question by typing it into the textbox, but do NOT hit the "send" button until I call on you, we'd appreciate it."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Hi, Lee!"
Lee Borden: "Hi Angie!"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Shall we start with a prepost to give itb a chance to get ready?"
Lee Borden: "Works for me."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Ms. Envy: "My ex husband was released from prison a month ago after a 5 year sentence. He is requesting that my son be allowed to spend the night. I have asked him to rebuild the relationship first. I have allowed vistitation but no overnights. My ex husband lives with his best friend and does not have employment or a means to support himself or his sons. He is now threatening to take me to court, because he says I am interferring with his parental rights. Is this correct? We have a schedule that was issued at the divorce in case we cannot reach an agreement, is this valid? He was not at the divorce because he was in prison. My ex husband also said he was putting himself on child support; which is ridiculous because he just got out of prison and doesn't have a job. How & when should I try to collect back child support? Am I in the wrong? I am only trying to protect my son and take things slowly. I believe my son and I both need time to adjust and to build trust. I don't know what is going on over his friend's house. My son doesn't have a room there, nor a bed.""
Lee Borden: "I would hope that you and Dad could do this in a cooperative way. I wonder what would happen if you said something like this: "How about if we do a couple of Saturday afternoons, followed by a couple of full Saturdays or full Sundays. Then if those go smoothly, we can plan for our son to stay with you overnight."
Lee Borden: "I want this to work as badly as you do. We're on the same team here.""
Lee Borden: "As for the child support, I don't know what Dad means by putting himself on child support. Is he saying he's going to pay child support even though there's not a court order in place requiring him to? If so, good for him, even if it's only $20 per week, he's getting in the habit of supporting his son, and that's good."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "iltb (hope I'm reading that right!), please post your question now."
iltb: "Why isn't perjury enforced in divorce cases? He has admitted to perjury in a deposition. He has admitted to forgery. Nothing has been done. The prosecutor told me he will not prosecute for perjury. Why is it that we sign the forms under penalty of perjury and are sworn in when in court and depositions. I have filed for divorce in July 2005. I have spent over $50,000 in attorney fees. I am a school teacher and have no money left to pay attorneys."
Lee Borden: "Do you have a question I can help with?"
iltb: "Yes Why isn't perjury enforced in divorce court"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Hi, milworm1, welcome to the Family Law chat with Attorney Lee Borden. We will be taking questions based on the order of entry, the listing to the right. If you would prepare your question by typing it into the textbox, but do NOT hit the "send" button until I call on you, we'd appreciate it. You'll be after iltb. Thanks."
Lee Borden: "Beats me. I guess you can take that up with the district attorney."
iltb: "So I should file a complaint with the DA"
iltb: "I have been told that I live in a small town and it doesn't look good to the judge. Also the local rules have not been followed."
Lee Borden: "I think it's unlikely to get you very far. I get it that you're frustrated with the expense of the process. Make sure your attorney asks the court for help with your attorney's fees."
iltb: "How come"
iltb: "I am going pro se as I can no longer afford the attorney"
Lee Borden: "The perjury doesn't look good, or filing a complaint doesn't look good?"
iltb: "filing a complaint does not look good"
Lee Borden: "I would tend to agree with that."
Lee Borden: "If you're pro se, make sure you include a claim for attorney fees when you present your case."
iltb: "So I should sit back and let estranged lie and nothing gets resolved"
iltb: "ok thanks. Do I put the claim in at the final hearing?"
Lee Borden: "I don't recall saying that. If you can show the other party has lied under oath, it should help to undercut that party's credibility with the judge."
Lee Borden: "It varies. In my state, you would present your payments to attorneys (and bills for services not yet paid, if any)."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
iltb: "My estranged has admitted to it in a deposition. He has also admitted to forging my name post filing"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Lee, I'm not sure if you want to respond to that last statement."
Lee Borden: "No, thanks."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "milworm1, please clidk "Send" to submit your question now."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "We wish you well, iltb."
milworm1: "I'm still working on it"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Great! Thanks. We'll do a prepost or two."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "dlund: "we filed for bankruptcy in october and we signed a re-affirmation on the house. I only work a part time job so I signed it knowing I could not afford the payments on my own. My spouse signed it I feel under false pretenses knowing he was going to leave. In January he left the state. We are now divorced and in the divorce decree he signed it states he is responsible for any deficit regarding the house can this be enforced or can they still come after me? What can I do to protect myself they are now foreclosing on the house. thank you""
Lee Borden: "Any statement in your divorce decree is binding on you and your Ex but not binding on the lender. The lender still has the power and prerogative to pursue either or both of you for payment. Your remedy is against your Ex in an enforcement action."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "CasYvet: "I was wanting to know about what is the cost of an uncontested divorce for the county of greenville, S.C.""
Lee Borden: "I have no idea. In my state, it would be $200-700, depending on which lawyer you hire and whether you have children. I honestly don't know the cost in other states, but I know that in some states the lawyer must attend a hearing, and that adds to the cost."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Absolute_Sassiness: "I have twin boys who are 15 that want to stay in Colorado with their uncle. I am moving to Texas soon. They live with him right now. How should we go about handeling this? Someone told us to try power of attorney for a year.""
Lee Borden: "I don't know how CO handles this, but I have the impression that a power of attorney would be insufficent in most states."
Lee Borden: "What you're attempting to do, apparently, is set your brother up as the children's guardian. There's a procedure for that, and it takes getting a judge involved. I would be surprised if a power of attorney would do it."
Lee Borden: "To test it, you might want to have your brother call the local school system and explain that he wants to admit your sons. Then he could ask what documentation they would need to see. My guess is that they're going to want to see some documentation from a court that he is their guardian."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "onaomi: "My cousin is 17 and had gotten pregnant by an older man. He at the time thought that she was of age. She did not tell him that she was 17 until she was 6 months pregnant. She turns 18 one month before the baby is born. Since the baby is going to be born after she turns 18, can he still get in trouble since the child was conceived when she was 17? We would rather him not get into trouble because he was unaware of her real age until she was already 6 months along. Any advice? Is it even a big deal as long as she's 18 when the baby's born?""
milworm1: "Ok, sorry here comes part of my situation"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Hi, rjjones1972. Welcome! I have your preposted question. We're taking questions in a certain order, and you'll be after milworm1."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Milworm1, please don't post yet."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Lee is answering a preposted question just now."
milworm1: "Good evening and thanks for taking time to chat with me tonight. I have kind of a weird situation. A brief back story, I grew up in a small town in WV, went to college in the same town and after graduation I moved took my first job offer and moved to DC. I soon found out that my girlfriend at the time in WV was pregnant and only after dating for a few months. Well she wanted to give the child up for adoption but I didnt want. She said she couldnt take care of it and since she already had one her parents were pretty much raising she didnt want another one."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "After Lee answers the current question, I will call on Milworm1, then I will post rjjjones1972's preposted question"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Welcome, Abyss624. We will be taking questions based on the order of entry, the listing to the right. If you would prepare your question by typing it into the textbox, but do NOT hit the "send" button until I call on you, we'd appreciate it. You'll be after rjjone1972, who is after milworm1, who is after onaomi, which Lee is answering now. Thanks."
Lee Borden: "THis is not really my area, but I have the impression that statutory rape is a strict liability thing, that you don't get to use "she lied about her age" as an excuse."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Milworm1, which I call on you by name, please be ready to post your question. Your first post asked no questions."
milworm1: "Ok, I'm ready when you are"
Lee Borden: "That having been said, if your cousin doesn't raise this and neither do her parents, it's possible that nothing will happen. For what it's worth, I certainly don't have the impression that the district attorney is scouring the birth records for evidence that children are conceived by older men and underage girls."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Lee, milworm1 says, "I grew up in WV, went to college there and moved to DC to take a job. My WV girlfriend was pregnant and wanted to give the child up for adoption, which I didn't want. She had one child and didn't want another."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "milworm1, please post your question now."
milworm1: "I'm trying to get advice on getting custody of a daughter that may not be biologicaly mine."
milworm1: "So my mom said she would take care of her, that way I could keep my job in DC and still keep have my daughter. Well a few years past and things didnt work out and we split up with my mom still raising my daughter. She is now 5 and still lives with my mom in WV and I now have a new girlfriend for the past 2 year. We are trying to start a family and take custody of my daughter. Since she was born there was no formal custody arrangement. The biological mom lives about 20 minutes away and could have visited when she wanted. However, she never did."
milworm1: "Only on holidays still recently she has started to visit more often. So to my questions, I want to file for full custody but Im not sure how to go about doing it. And since she lives in WV and I live in VA which state should I file in. Im not sure if the bio mom will put up a fight for her or not. But Im prepared for the worse. To make matters worse, while we were dating she had a bad drug, alcohol problem and told me a lot that I wasnt the biological father."
milworm1: "But that doesnt matter to me, I have provided for my child since she was born. I now have a house in VA and I want to move her here and start a family and just forget about what has happened in the past."
milworm1: "So what do I need to do? And how are my chances looking at winning a custody case if the child isnt biologically mine even though I have provided for her and will continue to provide for her?"
Lee Borden: "Your chances of getting custody of a child who is demonstrably not your biological child are very slim. If you and Grandma (your Mom) remain cooperative, and if you think there's a good chance Mom was right when she told you the child isn't yours, my guess is that you're better off leaving this sleeping dog exactly where it is. Kicking it right now could leave you and Grandma both on the outside looking in."
milworm1: "but it is causing lots of trouble with my current girlfriend"
Lee Borden: "The longer you wait (and the older the child gets) (a) the more likely the court is to honor your parental role even if you're not BioDad, and (b) the more likely your daughter is to want to spend time with you regardless of what a court orders."
milworm1: "and I would like to have full custody so I can move her to VA, and get her enrolled in school"
Lee Borden: "What do you mean "trouble with my current girlfriend.?"
milworm1: "they dont get along and the old girlfriend spreads rumors about her"
rjjones1972: "ok thankyou"
milworm1: "and it causing some arguments between us because she doenst want to have to share. and by share i mean we want to have our own family"
Lee Borden: "Okay, pull the trigger on this if you feel you must, but I think you're playing with fire. I also think that if you have to choose between what's good for your daughter and what's good for your relationship with your new girlfriend, new girlfriend loses."
milworm1: "and not have to always give into the bio-mom. since there is no formal custody, its like when she asks for something i do it"
milworm1: "I always put my chilf first, but the two of them have really bonded and they love spending time with each other"
milworm1: "we were the ones who taughter her how to ride a bike, there for here first day of preschool, etc"
Lee Borden: "If you had been married to Mom, you would be the presumptive father, and no one would be able to come between you and your daughter. You don't have that role here, so I'm afraid I can't offer you any silver bullet that's going to do away with Mom's power here."
milworm1: "I know, she is the bio mom for sure, and I'm questionable but I am on the birth certificate as the father and since i have provided for her that should count for something shouldnt it"
Lee Borden: "She's Mom. If you were not her husband and are not the biological father, you have nothing, literally nothing, to rely on with the court."
milworm1: "but i thought the courts would look at the best interest for the child"
Lee Borden: "Precious little, if you're ruled out as the father. I'm sorry."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "rjjones1972: "in 2006 my husband got a job that had health insurance so his requirement was to add his daughter from prior marriage, attempted to do this but ex would send in birth cert and said she would just keep her on her insurance. The child is now 16 and does not live with her mother, so we have requested stop payment of child support and so her mother has decided we must pay all of the bills that she hasn't payed over the last year, reading through the legal papers it states that my husband should have the insurance which he was more than willing to do and is liable for any covered health care costs for which the parent recieves direct payment from an insurer. Must we pay these delinquent bills? Also there are bills for counselling sessions she had, is this classed as medical or under extraordinary health care expenses? must we pay these too? thankyou""
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Abyss624, thanks for your patience. I'll be calling on you next, after Lee answers rjjones1972."
Lee Borden: "Common mistake. This is one of those many situations where divorced parents get in trouble ignoring the judge's decree because the other parent tells them to. For all reading this, let this be a lesson to you. You just can't go wrong obeying the decree."
Lee Borden: "Okay, end of lesson. In terms of what to do now that you're here, attempt to show that Mom said she would carry health insurane and that Dad didn't have to."
Lee Borden: "I gather that Mom didn't actually carry health insurance; is that correct?"
Lee Borden: "If not, then she's no doubt arguing that Dad should be liable for everything health insurnce would have paid."
rjjones1972: "ok, i did file the paperwork with non legal birth cert in 2006, thats when i was told that the medical benefits plan need legal document, which is what she has and she couldn't be bothered to send it or pass it on to us to send.'"
Lee Borden: "You're back to showing that she consented to Dad's decision. It's not strong argument, because Dad's basicallly saying, "Yes, judge, I decided not to obey your decree because Mom told me I didn't have to.""
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Abyss624, please click "Send" now to submit your question."
Abyss624: "I live in Texas and I got married back in 2001. My husband and I have been separated since Oct.22, 2004. He lives in Canada and when we first got married we started the immigration process. He never has been a resident of Texas or any other state for that matter. How do I even begin to start the divorce process since he's been uncooperative all this time?"
rjjones1972: "my husband has always paid any co pay and anything else asked of him, so we weren't aware of any other bills, apparently most of them are for counselling sessions, do counselling sessions fall under medical"
rjjones1972: "it wasn't dads desision she has the legal document and wouldn't send it"
Lee Borden: "I gather you know where he is. If so, file for divorce in TX and get service of process on your STBX in Canada (I know, easy for me to say, hard for you to do)."
rjjones1972: "oh i'm sorry i didn't realise we were done, thankyou for your time"
Abyss624: "What's a STBX?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "No problem. Stand by if you have more questions. We may get to them."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "A soon-to-be ex is STBX."
Lee Borden: "Soon to be ex-husband."
Abyss624: "ok, I'm just not sure where to even begin...I know his parents' address and phone number, his address and phone number"
Lee Borden: "You'll enjoy a strategic advantage, because a court hearing will be 1/2 a day for you, and three days for your STBX."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "milworm1 and rjjones1972, if you have more questions, please type only "yes" and click "Send" now."
rjjones1972: "yes"
Lee Borden: "Talk to your lawyer about where he lives, and your lawyer will locate someone there to serve process on him."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Abyss624: "but we got married up in Canada, so I wasn't sure if TX or Canadian law governed that, he's a Canadian citizen"
Abyss624: "oh ok"
Lee Borden: "Ooh. Sorry. Somehow I had the impression he had lived in TX. If he's never lived in TX, you may have to file in Canada. I'm sorry."
Abyss624: "yeah, sorry about that..."
Abyss624: "we got married in Canada, he's a Canadian citizen and I'm an American citizen, we started the immigration process, but he never even got his visa"
Lee Borden: "Duh, in your question you said that he'd never lived in any US state; I just missed that."
Abyss624: "yes, we filed for his residency in TX, but paperwork didn't come through until 2005, so I shredded it, since we were no longer together..."
Lee Borden: "Okay. If it's critical to you to get divorced and you know where he lives, you'll need to do it up there."
Abyss624: "meaning I have to find a Canadian lawyer and do the process up there?"
Lee Borden: "If you honestly don't know where he lives and cannot with reasonable diligence locate his address, you can get service of process by publication for the limited purpose of getting a divorce."
Lee Borden: "The court may not have jurisdiction over him to deal with propertiy division or financial support, but it sounds like that's not important here."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "rjjones1972, please submit your question now."
rjjones1972: "most of the bills are for counselling, does that mean he has to pay? would this usually fall under health insurance? and the other section we aren't sure about is extraordinary health care, would counselling fall into that catagory"
Lee Borden: "This varies by state. In my state, counseling would fall outside normal health insurance provisions."
Lee Borden: "Typically health insurance would pay something like 50% of counseling charges. You'll want to check and see what Dad's company's policy would have covered."
Lee Borden: "Okay, Angie? One more?"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Unless someone here has another question, all the bases are covered."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "If anyone has one more question, please post it now."
Lee Borden: "Cool. Good night Angie. Good night everybody!"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Thanks, Lee! Good night."
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Our next Family Law chat will be on Monday, November 23, 9 PM ET. I would encourage everyone to use the consumer message boards for additional information and feedback http://community.lawyers.com/messageboards/list.asp"
Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "And if you need an attorney, please use the Find a Lawyer directory at http://www.lawyers.com/find_a_lawyer/quick_search/index.php"
>Angie, Community Moderator (Admin): "Good night, all!"
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