Uhm, if you haven't even been served yet, I'm highly dubious about the notion that a court hearing has been set. Simply doesn't compute. In any event, you're always free to check the local courthouse.
Everyone says they can't afford a lawyer, but in general, you cannot afford NOT to have a lawyer. Divorce attorneys need to make a living, and a $3500 retainer/deposit against which they'd charge however many hours' worth of work is not crazy in 2011. In fact, it's fairly cheap. I'd worry less about the retainer than the hourly charge, if you and the wife can't agree on anything (and I'd try hard to work toward that).
Since the wife has a job, I'd stop paying for "gas for both cars" and relatively trivial stuff like that which doesn't involve your credit rating being affected or being insured. If she wants to be a smartypants, if everything is in your name, I'd cancel whatever cards she has use of. So long as you're still living together, I wouldn't go the "I'm only buying food for myself" route even if she's refusing to chip in. My O-6 father did that and, well, it's unnecessary and punitive (never mind that my mom at the time was working a measly bank teller job and got paid maybe $12k a year -- she's the one who was a homemaker and fostering his career for a quarter century and only got the outside job once all the (four) kids were 12 and up). Feeding three boys and myself and paying for X all on her own on $12k a year wasn't cool, and he knew she wasn't the type who'd his command and destroy what little remained of his already-all-but-dead-end (by his own doing) career over it. :)
"What can I do in order to still take care of our daughter, but not get charged with neglect of the rest of the family."
I presume this is with regard to your military career (and who is "rest of the family" -- the wife?). Otherwise, I'm not clear what you mean by "charged with neglect". She has her own income and you're paying all the basic bills (roof over head), I gather, so ...
"... my paychecks are spent even before they hit the bank."
I presume you mean they're spent by you; otherwise, I'd start having the pay deposited in an account only in your name. I'd also start economizing (e.g., getting rid of cable and cell phone accounts -- trust me, you'll live without a cell phone ... and if hers is on your account, so will she). Every little bit helps.
"SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!"
I'm not precisely sure what you expect folks to tell you. It's fairly clear from your post that you relied on her income to make ends meet. Ultimately, may be better to look at whatever she's squirreling away to put toward a new apartment is money you won't have to shell out later. It doesn't sound, for instance, as though you're looking at a spousal support hit, but who knows.