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Conniving Wife is making me Snap

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Latest post Thu, Jan 17 2013 4:23 AM by calgaryimmigration. 12 replies.
  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 5:18 PM

    Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    I am in dire need of some type of constructive assistance. I just found out today that my wife is having me served with divorce papers. She has also proceeded to tell me that we already have a set court date, which is only two weeks away from today. I don't even have a lawyer, I can't afford one! I am in Hawaii and Lawyer fees start at $3500. I am still paying for everything in the house, bills, both car payments, gas for both cars, insurance, not to mention food and I just bought school clothes and supplies for our daughter. I am active duty and in the process of transferring to a new command. The worst thing about the situation is the fact that my wife IS working, but she is saving her paychecks for "her" apartment when I leave. She won't even chip in a little without a huge arguement. What can I do in order to still take care of our daughter, but not get charged with neglect of the rest of the family. I can't just stop paying bills. They're all in my name. She took all of our savings, which wasnt much, and my paychecks are spent even before they hit the bank. I am a really patient and understanding guy, but even I have limits. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!

  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 6:01 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap


    Nobody is going to like my response, but if I were you, I'd grab anything worth anything and get myself a lawyer.

    Can you get a cash advance on a joint card,you own credit card, anything?  If so, do it! 

    I am sorry to say this, but if you have to, dip into whatever.  Stocks, 401k, just don't steal from people:)

    You need a lawyer now!

    That is my humble opinion.

    I wish you luck!


  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 6:22 PM In reply to

    • LynnM
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on Mon, Apr 3 2000
    • CA
    • Posts 28,248

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    It is unlikely a court date has been set if you have not been served. If you cannot get legal assistance from your JAG office you will have to find a way to hire a lawyer.

  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 6:23 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    Uhm, if you haven't even been served yet, I'm highly dubious about the notion that a court hearing has been set.  Simply doesn't compute.  In any event, you're always free to check the local courthouse.

    Everyone says they can't afford a lawyer, but in general, you cannot afford NOT to have a lawyer.  Divorce attorneys need to make a living, and a $3500 retainer/deposit against which they'd charge however many hours' worth of work is not crazy in 2011.  In fact, it's fairly cheap.  I'd worry less about the retainer than the hourly charge, if you and the wife can't agree on anything (and I'd try hard to work toward that).

    Since the wife has a job, I'd stop paying for "gas for both cars" and relatively trivial stuff like that which doesn't involve your credit rating being affected or being insured.  If she wants to be a smartypants, if everything is in your name, I'd cancel whatever cards she has use of.  So long as you're still living together, I wouldn't go the "I'm only buying food for myself" route even if she's refusing to chip in.  My O-6 father did that and, well, it's unnecessary and punitive (never mind that my mom at the time was working a measly bank teller job and got paid maybe $12k a year -- she's the one who was a homemaker and fostering his career for a quarter century and only got the outside job once all the (four) kids were 12 and up).  Feeding three boys and myself and paying for X all on her own on $12k a year wasn't cool, and he knew she wasn't the type who'd his command and destroy what little remained of his already-all-but-dead-end (by his own doing) career over it.   :)

    "What can I do in order to still take care of our daughter, but not get charged with neglect of the rest of the family."

    I presume this is with regard to your military career (and who is "rest of the family" -- the wife?).  Otherwise, I'm not clear what you mean by "charged with neglect".  She has her own income and you're paying all the basic bills (roof over head), I gather, so ...

    "... my paychecks are spent even before they hit the bank."

    I presume you mean they're spent by you; otherwise, I'd start having the pay deposited in an account only in your name.  I'd also start economizing (e.g., getting rid of cable and cell phone accounts -- trust me, you'll live without a cell phone ... and if hers is on your account, so will she).  Every little bit helps.


    I'm not precisely sure what you expect folks to tell you.  It's fairly clear from your post that you relied on her income to make ends meet.  Ultimately, may be better to look at whatever she's squirreling away to put toward a new apartment is money you won't have to shell out later.  It doesn't sound, for instance, as though you're looking at a spousal support hit, but who knows.

  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 7:16 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    I have talked to the JAG office and all they did was give me a divorce package to file on my own. Besides I don't think JAG Lawyers have jurisdiction in civil courts. I will check into that again. I am so stressed out that I don't even know where to go from here. She obviously sees it, because she is in my face as soon as I walk through the door after work, and sometimes even when I first wake up, like this morning. It's so frustrating yet I still keep my cool. Anyway I will look into the JAG thing again.

  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 7:20 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    I agree stop paying the bills then and hire a lawyer. Pay only what you need too...close any joint accounts. I would tell your wife she has to pay some of the bills because you cannot and will not pay them all.

  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 8:03 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    to Chancey1

    I understand that lawyers have to make a living too, I'm just lost on where I am going to come up with this kind of money. My paycheck is already stretched pretty thin. If I try to take a loan out or get an advance (superman1) I will just have another payment to worry about every month. I agree that I need a lawyer, more than it shows. "Paychecks are spent..." refers to the bills that are due compared to my income, which is almost dollar for dollar. I have a seperate account and I transfer money to the joint account as needed for the bill of that pay period. The whole neglect thing is a military requirement and also a speed bump. I am still legally married and responsible for my families well being."Rest of the family...." is wife, and her son, whom I also still pay for. I have been the sole provider for about six years collectively. I don't rely on her income, I can cover the house hold cost, but when she has her own paycheck and still tries to spend mine outside of the regular bills, you can see why I chose the title of this post. I'm not providing her with "play" money just because she doesn't want to touch her paycheck. To me thats what Divorce take care of you and yours, I'll take care of me and mine, and WE will take care of OUR child. Right now I take care of everything, she takes care of nothing.

  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 8:12 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    to OliviasMom

    Thanks for the advice but right now I have to still pay the bills. I am already behind because of one of my wifes spending sprees. I have opened a seperate account since that scenerio happened. I only transfer money that is needed for some auto bill pays, and I am still waiting for those to transfer too. 

  • Wed, Jul 20 2011 8:27 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    to superman1

    Thanks for the advice bro, and I agree with you 100% but I don't really have anything of value. The only thing I have worth anything is my car. No stocks, bonds, 401Ks or anything. Even if I tried to trade it in, I am 3,000 upside down. My payment would be lower maybe, but if you add $3k on top of the cost of a clunker. Nobody will finance you unless they get an outrageous % rate (i.e. 19-23). Same situation less reliable car, then add extended warrenty and I'm right back to where I started. I have thought through alot of the pros and cons of this divorce, but I was totaly taken by surprise at 6:00 this morning when she told me she was serving me. I am so ticked off that my head hurts.

  • Thu, Jul 21 2011 12:32 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    You are not obligated to support her child; if she's not getting/pursuing child support or the father is dead, that's really not your problem.  Let her use her income to pay toward that stuff which isn't already something you'd get anyway (say, food).

    "... still tries to spend mine outside of the regular bills..."

    I have no clue what you mean by "tries" or "still tries," but you don't have to make your $$$ or credit available to her to "try" to spend.  As mentioned, if you're putting it into a joint account, tell DFAS (?) to stop doing that and open one in your own name.  :)

    She may think she won't wind up with half of the marital debt associated with the credit cards she's run up, but it's not clear why she'd think so. 


  • Thu, Jul 21 2011 12:34 PM In reply to

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    The military won't represent you in a divorce (there are any number of benefits to military service, but a divorce lawyer isn't one of them). 

  • Thu, Jul 21 2011 12:53 PM In reply to

    • kath21
    • Top 25 Contributor
    • Joined on Sat, Apr 18 2009
    • CA
    • Posts 4,451

    Re: Conniving Wife is making me Snap

    You're free to check out legal aid and your county courthouse for help (check for an actual petition filed while you are there).

    Any money "squirelled away" by her will be accounted for as marital $; she doesn't get to "keep" it.  It will be applied to any other dollar divisions.  In the meantime, you are right about not being allowed to leave her with nothing, but that only means rent and food...cut out any extraneous bills, as suggested.  If every penny goes to the bills, well, that is just asking for trouble as emergencies ALWAYS come up when least expected.

    Good luck.


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