Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help please...

Previous | Next
 rated by 0 users
Latest post 03-23-2012 2:08 PM by kath21. 29 replies.
  • 03-19-2012 12:42 PM

    Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help please...

    I am a 29yo dad of my 5yo daughter. Currently she lives with her mom and grandparents in a normal home where she is loved but does not have her own bedroom and sleeps with her mom everynight which bothers me. My ex is not mentally balanced and very rash. She puts her "needs" before our daughter and cannot think of long term effects for our daughter. She has a whim and just follows them w/o thinking of long term effects. The problem now is she got pregnant by a guy w/ no job drug & alchool issues. There is no room for another child in the grandparents house so they will have to leave and move in with this guy somewhere in a not good enviorment for my little girl. Again my ex is not completly sane and the only reason I have not filed for custody to this point is she was living with her parents who could supervise her so my daughter would not be subjected to physical/ emotinol issues but now that will be ending and I am very worried about my daughter. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions on what I should do? I currently pay child support and have always been in good standing. I see her every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and every Wednesday with a court order. I have a stable well paying job and a very stable home enviorment where she has her own beautiful bedroom and is loved. I am a very involved dad and just want whats best for my daughter. I do not want to alienate her from her mom but I am scared to death of her future if she does not come to live with me. Can anyone offer any help? Thanks!!

  • 03-19-2012 2:40 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help please...

    Nothing you have said would warrant a change in custody.  

     While your ex may not have a great pattern, nothing you noted is putting the child in danger.  The courts do not remove custody because someone is financially more stable than the other parent or the one parent feels the other parent is insane/poor decision maker/ etc.... You do understand that the vast majority of people in family court say the very same thing about their exes.  It is nothing new to family court and while it may be true in some cases, it pretty much is not a reason the courts change custody.   Unless she has put the child in harms way and unless her current bf has a record of harming children, you very likely will not get custody.

  • 03-19-2012 2:44 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help please...

    The courts will probably not do anything until she moves in with this guy and something happens to your daughter. Sad but true. You are certainly free to question your ex and let her know you are not happy with this arrangement and the child should come to live with you, and see if she agrees. If you know this mans name you can go online and see if you can find any criminal records and of course make sure he is not on the sex offender registry. If he has no criminal record there may not be much you can do. How far away does he live? Is she in school at all?

  • 03-19-2012 2:58 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    I understand people say the same thing all the time in court but does that mean I should just say the ***heck with it and let it go whem my little girl could have it much better. I am aware the size of a bedrooms does not matter but the should have a bedroom and not have to sleep in the same bed with her mother for five years but that is not the point. I do not want to fight with my ex and not doing this to settle some score. I am doing it because she dereves a stable home and the right enviorment as these are the years that shape a childs life and a big part in what kind of person they will turn out to be. The bedrooms and the type of enviorment she lives in along the her not having s... employment and no permanent home all go  to painting a broader picture on who would be the better parent/enviorment to raise her. I would be very happy if she was living with her mom in a stable and loving enviorment but thati soon not to be the case. I know the kind of person she is and on her own w/o her parents under the same roof the child will be in danger. Do I need to wait until something bad happens to do something?????  It is a clear picture of who has the more stable home and can give her the bet chance of being happy and that along with what you said will most likley be taken into condiseration by the court.

  • 03-19-2012 3:02 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    You will have to convince the court of your "stability" and mom's lack of, having nothing to do with bedrooms.   When you can verbalize what is unstable about mom's life that negatively affects the childs' life, you may have a chance.

    But mom living with her parents or bf is not -in itself- unstable.

  • 03-19-2012 3:03 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    You are right and I am taking it day by day as this i just became aware of this situation not very long ago. i am going to approach her first and try to be helpful and ask if she would like me to take my daughter for awhile while she transitions that is the truth of it as well. If she is in a good enviorment and not acting rashly like she does then that would be great and I would have no problem cuz I think a child needs their mom but that is not the case right now. I am just tying to be prepared and know what to do if/when the day comes when I need to take this court.

  • 03-19-2012 3:05 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    Again, your quest is proving something negative is happening to the child; not just your apprehension.

  • 03-19-2012 3:07 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    You are absolutley right and I am fine with her living with her mom as at least if she is there I know her parents are there to make sure things are "normal" and that is why I am fine with things right now but she will be leaving there to go with this less than respectable guy. I am fine with getting the psych eval., home visits, and whatever else we need to do as I think these things will only help to make things clear to the court as to what the right decision is. I am sorry this is happening and is not somethng I am doing to cause drama or to act rash. This is a  last resort option.

  • 03-19-2012 3:10 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    She is in pre k right now. He lives about 30 minutes away in a tiny apartment. I do not know but I do know quite a few people who do and they all said he is a real scumbag and the apartment very trashy. He is a skateboarder w/ no job and my 5yo daughter has told me she does not like him multiple times. It is just sad because the only thing I care about is for her to be happy. Trust me I wish this did not have to happen.

  • 03-19-2012 4:07 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    I just want to throw something else into the mix. Does your divorce decree prohibit co-habitation? I know mine did. If it does, you can keep her from moving in with this guy until they become married.

    I was in a similar sittuation. My ex lived in a house that looked like it belonged to a hoarder. The courts just ordered her to clean it up and kept custody with her. The courts are biased against the fathers. People say that is not true but in many states, it is. You are going to have to prove that she has done something to your children and that has caused damage. Otherwise, the courts will look on it as he said she said.

  • 03-19-2012 4:32 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    No it doesn't say anything about that sadly but that would have been good.  You are def right about the bias against fathers. It's all the deadbeat dads who give fathers a bad rap! Sad we have to suffer for it...

  • 03-19-2012 7:55 PM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

     I am doing it because she dereves a stable home and the right enviorment as these are the years that shape a childs life and a big part in what kind of person they will turn out to be.

    So why didn't you create that stable and right home environment for BEFORE having children, by marrying mom, settling down, and having and raising children together? That's an important question because courts assume that you know how babies are made, and when you decide to sleep with someone, you are telling the court that the way things are, right then, are "good enough" for your child. If you want a higher standard for your children, the only way to ensure it is to create it FIRST and THEN have children. You really don't get to complain or raise the bar later. Parenthood is a "what you see is what your children get" kind of issue. The court's have no interest in what "could" be. It's not the court's job to fulfull your aspirations for your children. That's YOUR job, part of which rests on the decision of whom to have children with, whether to do so within the stability of a healthy marriage or not, and many other factors, which the courts can't and won't address after the fact. It also doesn't turn into a competition of who can do it "better". You've been happy enough for whatever reasons to let mom raise your child. That gives mom the benefit of consistency - and the court now doesn't care what you can do "better" -it only cares about whether or not there is some reason why mom has suddenly become unfit.

     

    stable and loving enviorment but thati soon not to be the case. I know the kind of person she is and on her own w/o her parents under the same roof the child will be in danger. Do I need to wait until something bad happens to do something?????

    Realistically - yes you do. Unless you've got something SUBSTANTIAL to show the court that the child could be in imminent danger, and nothing said so far suggests that. Just as police don't arrest people for what they COULD do, courts aren't going to act to shake up the child's existence based on "coulds" or "mights".

     

    I know the kind of person she is

    She's the kind of person you chose to be the mother of your child.  

     

    It is a clear picture of who has the more stable home and can give her the bet chance of being happy and that along with what you said will most likley be taken into condiseration by the court

    No. Again, this isn't a contest. People often misunderstand or misconstrue the concept of "best interest of the child" and its applicability in the family courts. Children aren't entitled to the "best", the best house, the best living situation, the best parents, the best chance of being happy, none of that. They are entitled to be fed, clothed, washed, schooled, sheltered, and generally cared for. If mom is providing those things, that's good enough for the court and enough for mom to retain the status quo. The time to put "best" in place is long gone. The sad reality is that lots of parents make decisions about whom to make children with, and often regret it later. But once one parent is established as the primary caretaker, it takes much more than regrets and wanting more for your children to get change - it takes that caretaker being found unfit - and the standard for parenting is so low you can trip over it.

    A much more productive use of your time, energy, money, and love for your children would be spent taking advantage of your time with them - teaching them values, self respect, self worth, self reliance, and self determination - you can play a part in these things - which appear to be in line with your goal of "shaping a chlid's life and what kind of person they turn out to be" - and those things get imparted by ACTIVE parenting on your part, regardless of where the child ends up living.

  • 03-19-2012 10:54 PM In reply to

    • Drew
      Consumer
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 03-30-2000
    • PA
    • Posts 48,834

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    PA chahged its law about 2011 and if the move is a significant distance that alters your ability  to exercise your visitations  it may well be that CP must give you 60 day notice and an opportunity to object--and meet the burden that move is in childs best interest--and a new unmarried lover /skateboarder does not sound to me like basis for something better for child.

    I have no clue if 30 miles is a significant  distance --sure might be in some congested areas or area subject to frequent winter ice issues

    Is Mom going to pick up the burden /cost of your added visitation distance problems-- its in the equation if you can hook a requirement for a "Gruber" hearing.

    Moms lifestyle per se is not the attack road--a major impediment as to you exercising your visitation might well be -- and that is trigger for Mom to prove the move is better for child.

    Better schools?

    Her better job and thus better living standards?



  • 03-20-2012 9:50 AM In reply to

    Re: Dad filing for physical custody of daughter.. Help pleas...

    Apparently you have not read the other posts. When we had my daughter we we're settled down so do not presume to know details about my life that you cannot possibly know. She cheated on me for what seemed to be  weekly and kept on doing so no I am not going to sit around and be made a fool of. I did everything I could to make it work and lived in misery for along time to make that happen but she refused to go to counseling and is just not mentally there and not rational.  After that she was living with her parents which I was fine with becuase she was not left to her own devices but now that situation has changed Mr or Ms holier than thou. I am a fantastic Dad who does not need you to lecture me on what to teach my child thank you very much.   I am active as you say in every part of my childs life and will always be but people need good advice sometimes and everyones life is not perfect so just stop with your lecturing. If you cannot be helpful than don't say anything at all.

Page 1 of 2 (30 items) 1 2 Next > | RSS

My Community

Community Membership New Users: Search Community