Daycare closed / Right of 1st refusal

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Latest post 09-06-2008 2:32 AM by picolas. 12 replies.
  • 09-04-2008 4:16 PM

    • picolas
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    Question [=?] Daycare closed / Right of 1st refusal

    My order says I can put my son in daycare while I work. Daycare is closed for 1 week this year - I want my mom to watch him since we live together and she won't screw with his schedule. He's 1yr old. The NCP is 45min away, wants me to take him to him before work ( @ 7am) & says I have to let him watch him based on the 3hr right of 1st refusal. I say no, its considered daycare. Thoughts?

    I have full physical custody, joint legal. The NCP's visitation is Tues/Thurs 6p - 9p & 8hrs on alternating Sat/Sun.

    In my mind, if it's not the NCP's time, then it's considered my time & I can do with it as I please. Aside from the daycare issue above, if I don't want to allow visitation on my time because of a schedule conflict or a hair up my toosh that day, I don't have to. I'm not saying I don't allow him to switch days because of his work schedule or even for a grandma's bday - I'm a nice person, but I don't -have- to, correct?

    Thanks.
  • 09-04-2008 6:34 PM In reply to

    Feedback [*=*] I think you're picking your mother over Dad . . .

    "NCP says I have to let him watch him based on the 3hr right of 1st refusal. I say no, its considered daycare. Thoughts?"

    You both have reasonable positions and nobody here can interpret your order for you.

    Clearly, going to grandma's isn't 'daycare' in the ordinary sense of the word.

    "In my mind, if it's not the NCP's time, then it's considered my time & I can do with it as I please."

    With the exception of the right of first refusal...

    Daycare is a reasonable alternative to being with Dad because many/most dad's aren't able to serve in the role that a daycare does. Here you have a short-term situation where Dad wants the opportunity to be with his child. That's VERY sympathetic.

    How about a compromise? Two or three days with Dad, the remainder with your mother?
  • 09-04-2008 7:17 PM In reply to

    • picolas
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    More [=+=] re: I think you're picking your mother over Dad . . .

    When I told NCP that daycare would be closed, I agreed he could have him for 2 or 3 days & to tell me the days he wants. He said he couldn't do that, he would have to tell me the night before (not even 24hrs). When I've agreed to that in the past, he ends up calling at 10-11p and leaves a voicemail saying yes or no. When I ask why he couldn't have called earlier, he makes various excuses that has nothing to do with work. He works 5a - 3p, if at all so I know it's not because work isn't telling him.

    The reason the daycare part was put in the order was because NCP's work is so sporadic, the judge decided it was in our son's best interests to make sure he's in a scheduled consistent environment due to his age and NCP's lack of understanding re: children development, etc. That was a good call because when our son is with NCP, there is no schedule. 99% of the time, he comes back overtired and overstimulated from the lack of napping (except in the 45min car drive), to name one issue.

    In ending, I'm just frustrated with trying to get him to a give me (and my mom) a little more time to plan.. and he won't even agree to meet me halfway in the AM before work when we meet halfway for every other visit! What's the point? 2 days out of the rest of our son's life that he won't get to see NCP, isn't worth all this, IMO.
  • 09-04-2008 7:25 PM In reply to

    Feedback [*=*] Can't predict the future . . .

    but if he works at 5am and isn't able to tell you until 10pm the night before whether or not he'll be working, he loses the "reasonable" battle.

    If you place the child with your mother, he can file contempt. Your order appears ambiguous and you both have reasonable positions, with the exception that he is apparently unable to give you reasonable notice.
  • 09-04-2008 7:30 PM In reply to

    • picolas
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    Agree [=|=] re: Can't predict the future . . .

    Ok.. if he gives me reasonable notice, I will comply like I always have and if not, & he files for contempt, I'll fight it.

    Thanks for the help!
  • 09-04-2008 8:23 PM In reply to

    • picolas
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    Question [=?] re: Can't predict the future . . .

    Something just came to mind.. Can I circumvent this whole ordeal by finding a replacement daycare for the week? I'll be paying my mom (and daycare if they werent closed) so it's not like I can't try to find a new licensed daycare & pay them instead.
    Thanks.
  • 09-04-2008 9:13 PM In reply to

    re: Can't predict the future . . .

    A suggestion I have is when you know this is coming up send dad an email or letter explaining what is going on and what you need from him. I would say I need to know what you can do to help by certain date and if you can not then I will have to find other care for our child. In my opinion this put the ball in his court and he would not have any recourse if he can not tell you in advance.
  • 09-05-2008 12:48 AM In reply to

    • Drew
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    re: Can't predict the future . . .

    I somewhat agree--press dad for advance committment.

    If he fails I'd secure paid daycare--I'd pay my mom some modest fee to care for child (Unless its illegal to do so)



  • 09-05-2008 4:20 PM In reply to

    • DPH
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    Question [=?] re: I have to ask...


    If this is just a temporary situation (one week) why would you even discuss it with Dad? Why not let sleeping dogs lie and Dad jsut does normal scheduled visitation?

    So, did you tell Dad about daycare being closed or did he discover this fact all by himself? If you brought it up, why?

    "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -  Mark Twain

     

  • 09-05-2008 5:33 PM In reply to

    • picolas
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    re: I have to ask...

    I really wish I hadn't told him.

    The last 2 months of exchanges have gone well - he wasn't making comments under his breath, delaying the exchange to try to argue or causing any conflict so I was feeling more relaxed & I told him. I was thinking he could take our son a few days if he's not working and it not be an issue. Also tho, I knew that if I didn't tell him, he would inevitably end up calling daycare to ask questions about our son's day (because he doesn't trust my answers) and find out & then things would really hit the fan.

    I truly do my best to minimize the conflict, allow him extra time, switch days, whatever.. but it always ends up a mess. I have also tried playing it exactly to what the order says & he'll start telling me Im inflexible and leave harrassing voicemails & complain about something as simple as I didn't clean the baby's nose after arriving at the exchange, cuz he has a cold.
    Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

    My order is a final (Montenegro) already, so the judge recognized the conflict he causes and even changed the holidays around to make sure there's no contact between us so the joyous times aren't ruined.
  • 09-05-2008 11:43 PM In reply to

    re: Daycare closed / Right of 1st refusal

    My understanding of the right of first refusal is that you have to offer the other parent the time that you would be away from the child. If the other parent chooses not to use it, then you have the right make other arrangements. That's why it's called "first refusal". The other parent is not obligated to care for the child, but you have to offer the time up.

    Were I in your situation, I would email/mail him the exact dates that the daycare is closed offering those dates to him with a sentence in the letter something to the effect of: "If you do not reply to this email/letter with a yes or no answer by x date, then I will have to assume that you are refusing this time with the child and will make other arrangements for childcare." You will then have offered him the time, and hopefully forced a commitment one way or the other. Of course, this doesn't mean that he won't say yes, then back out at the last minute, so you might want to have Grandma available as a backup, but it cuts out the "I'll tell you 8 hours before whether I can do it or not" nonsense.
  • 09-05-2008 11:58 PM In reply to

    Disagree [)*(] re: Daycare closed / Right of 1st refusal

    If the order gives him right of first refusal you have to abide by the order. You don't have the right to create exceptions that are not there.
  • 09-06-2008 2:32 AM In reply to

    • picolas
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    re: Abiding the order

    I have abided by the order- I gave him the info, we both agreed 2 or 3 days of the week.. Why shouldn't he then have to abide by the order as well by giving me reasonable notice (24hrs)?

    I believe the order is ambiguous & a motion needs to be filed to be clarified by a judge.. And whatever he says, I will abide by, as well.
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