Ex wants changes to physical custody

Our divorce was finalized in November 2010.  I have full custody of our 16 year old son.  He now wants to go live with his father.  His father went to talk to his lawyer and was told it would cost to much money to get the physical custody changed.  Hs proposition is as follows, he will continue to pay me child support as directed by the original court order, but our son will live with his father and I will have visitation (basically switch our names around on the parenting plan).  He doesn't want to get anything written up he just wants us to "go with it".  I'm not really comfortable with doing this with just his "word" as he's broken his "word" in the past.  We live in Oregon.  Any advise would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you in advance.

I'll bet your ex and your son are conspiring to manipulate you.

I'll also bet that the minute your son moves, your ex will file for the elimination of child support which is a lot easier and cheaper (can be done without a lawyer) than filing for custody.

I suggest just saying no to this proposal and tell your son to stay put and behave and when he's 18 he can go live where he wants to live.

scottishlassy:

I'm not really comfortable with doing this with just his "word"

In the words of the anti drug campaign...Just say no!

Your ex isn't being honest....If he had a good case to gain physical custody, it would not cost too much. More likely what he was told was he doesn't have a good case for custody and if you fought it, it would cost him alot of $$.

Child doesn't get to decide which parent to live with.

And if you agreed to let your son go live with him, the minute the child would go live with him, your ex would file to stop child support and you would have zero basis to contiue to receive it if the child is living with him.  Him signing something between the two of you saying he will continue to pay child support is worth nothing. Once the courts know the child is living with him, even temporarily, he will not be made to pay you.

Do you want your son to go live with him?

Well I have to disagree on something. Your child is 16, more then old enough to know where he wants to live. Why does everyone assume a father has to be "conspiring" just because he wants to have physical custody of his son. Also yes going through a court system and getting a lawyer is expensive most start off at around $3000! You can however solve it out of court. Certain companies deal with these matters and set up legal documents and its alot cheaper. If he did stop paying you, which if you did not have custody you shouldnt be getting a check for child support then you would atleast have legal documentation.

What is your objective and would be in your child's best interest?  It seems like your objective is to continue receiving child support.  For the Father to "break" his word on the current situation- the only detriment to you would be not receiving child support- which you shouldn't be receiving if the child is residing with him.  If you are both in agreement with the child living with him- you should be able to have an agreement drafted which would be filed with the court and made an order of the court.  Any agreements as to support are not enforceable anyway as the duty of support is for the benefit of the child- not the parent.

There are at least two problems to discuss with counsel first as to the mere lets just do it approach-

1. Mom could change her mind and just go pick up child and insist upon order as written --and to some extent Dad if Dad ired of deal could just dump son back with Mom.

2. If Mom allows a new status quo that soon gives leverage for Dad to seek to stop CS and even seek it from Mom if she has income etc.

 + 3. A 16 year old can quickly play both of parents?

So far nothing suggests this move isin childs best interest.

Better high school? Better college options?

Why would you expect child support with him having custody? You do realize you should be paying him right? or see if he will waive child support. The child is old enough to express his wishes to the court. If the child wants to go live with dad then there should not be much of a battle. He would be foolish to agree to pay you support when all he needs to do is file for custody and the courts will likely listen to the wishes of the child.

At this point, your son is 16. You probably have, at best, no more than two more years of child support as most places will not terminate it until the child graduates from high school, even if he turns 18 before high school graduation. Ergo, if he is entering his junior year of high school in the fall, May or June of 2014 is probably when CS will end anyway.

To a teenager a couple of years is an eternity, but it is not to the adults and it certainly is not in the legal system. In addition to the cost, it could well take the legal system several months to get the matter heard and resolved. Unless Dad resides in the same school district and residential schooling zone, your son might have to switch high schools mid-year, if you do choose to fight this one. That's not an easy transition for most kids.

BTW, at 18, even if not yet graduated from high school, he probably gets to call the shots on where he lives and even whether he chooses to go to school at all.

One thing that you will have to think about, however, is just how difficult is your son going to be if he does not get his way. I don't recommend "caving in". Kids don't call the shots here. But, teenagers are much more adept at creating "behaviorial issues" than younger children. Are you going to be able to handle these issues, if they arise?

Thank you for all of the comments everyone.  The change in custody was dropped and everything is back to "normal", if there is such a thing.  I've got a new question regarding visitation and I need some guidance.  Here is what the current visitation schedule is for winter break. This year our sons winter break starts on Dec 24 and goes through Jan 6.  I didn't think it fair that my ex would only get our son for less than a week for winter break this year, so I thought I would offer more time to him.  I came up with a few suggestions and our son had a suggestion.  My ex came back with, "I would pick him up on Dec 21, bring him back on Dec 25 at 10:30 AM.  Then pick him up on Dec 28 and bring him back on Jan 6." I'm trying really hard to be fair in this and work this out, but this is rediculous. I've given up a number of my weekends because our son wanted to go out to see his dad and I've given up a full week that our son was supposed to be with me and instead he went out to his dad's for the entire week.  I've now told my ex that we will just stick to the original parenting plan since he won't work with me on this. Any suggestions or comments?  Please no telling me off, I've got enough of it from my ex and son.  Forums are to help people.  Thank you in advance!

2.2 Winter Vacation

2.2.1 The child shall be with the non-custodial parent in even numbered years beginning at 4:30 p.m. on the day that school adjourns until 10:00 a.m. on December 25. The child shall be with the custodial parent for the remainder of the child's winter vacation.

"Any suggestions or comments?"

You don't say what your goal is.  As ever, you're free to just say "no" and stick to the order/plan incorporated into an order.

Sorry, I should have added my goal. I just feel bad that dad would only get a few days instead of a full week like he did last year and the previous year.  Do I just put my foot down and say "no, we are going by what the agreed upon parenting plan is and that's that."? Or do I keep trying to work on making it fair for him and our son? I don't want to be the ex wife who won't work it out.  I just don't want to get "well, she won't let me see him" senerio happening. Hope I'm making sense.

scottishlassy:

I didn't think it fair that my ex would only get our son for less than a week for winter break this year, so I thought I would offer more time to him.

Don't take this the wrong way, but according to that statement all of this was your idea.  What would have happened if you hadn't had the brainstorm to be fair?  Like they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

scottishlassy:

I've now told my ex that we will just stick to the original parenting plan since he won't work with me on this. Any suggestions or comments?

Excellent idea.   

Yeah, I realize that I've opened the can of worms, I just didn't think that he would take advantage of my feeling sorry for him.  My mistake.  Guess I'm still in the "got to make him happy mode."

So as the order is written, your ex would have the child from Dec 21st@ 4pm  through December 25th @ 10am. (school adjourns Dec 21). Then you would have the remainder of the break. 

 You either go with his offer or counter offer him telling him what he offered is not good with you and tell him what your offer is.  Tell him you offering time did not mean you want to give up the entire break. You also tell him  you were trying to be amicable but if you can't agree, you will go by the orders.Maybe when you offered more time, you should have told him what time split you were thinking instead of allowing him to come up with the schedule.

You offered, he made an offer of what he would like. You don't have to accept it. You can tell him no and just go by the orders or try to work out something that is good for both of you.