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Latest post Fri, Dec 21 2012 10:31 AM by DPH. 13 replies.
  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 11:22 AM


    I am in a terrible situation of abuse.  I was physically abused a few times but now it is all emotional and financial.  We have two children and have been married for 12 years.  We have a business we started together but somehow I have no access or knowledge of all the business dealings.  I have been a stay at home mom for the past 10 year's with the exception of 4 month's as I tried to be able to gain some independence to help me get on my feet to enable me to get a divorce and provide for my children.  I obtained a good job in 2010 and thought he would respect me more and be supportive but he was the opposite of that, he put us through ***heck.  He stoped paying the bills and tells me to pay them all which is impossible, he stops letting me buy groceries and takes the checkbook from me so that I can't do anything for the kid's.  He stopped maintaining our home and is neglecting our pet's health care and needs as well.  I am presently looking for another job but it is real hard to find one.  I am backed into a corner and have tried to talk to Attorney's but they won't help without a fee and I have not a dime.  My children and I are in an abusive, unbareable situation.

  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 11:36 AM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    You haven't posted a question, so it's unclear what it is you want to know (the boards wouldn't be the place to look for an attorney even if we knew precisely where you were; it's also best not to use your actual name as screen name).  Naturally, I'd be talking with local domestic abuse organizations about the legal help you need.  Good luck.

  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 12:01 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    If he has beebn employed and still is and makes most of the household income, you probably will be awarded attorney fees. Does your house have any equity in it? Please contact domestic violence shelters and get some help generally with abuse they can get you out and get you legal help. If the situation is that bad right now, do you have any friends or family you can move in with? I would just take the kids and leave until you can get some legal help.

    Good luck


  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 12:27 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    Here's a link to some advice about how to prepare for escape:


    Do you have any family or friends you can count on?  Anyone you could borrow money from?

    Do contact a local domestic-violence organization (CAREFULLY, of course) to learn from them what the divorce process is like in your state - I saw a link to a legislator's document that suggests it might be a long and arduous process in PA, involving mandatory couples' counseling among other things, so I think you should make sure you understand what you will be up against before you do anything.

  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 12:34 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    Also, have you considered that your husband might be in financial difficulty but be unable to tolerate your knowing it?  A strong argument for doing some detective work as recommended in that Allstate Foundation document.

  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 2:27 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    OliviasMom, Thank you for you response to my blog.  My husband makes all the household income.  we own a construction business and he holds all the money.  Our home is loaded with equity and is both of our's.  I do not have family and friend's that can help in my situation and I have been in contact with many services to get help but not helpful at all.  My children should not be removed from there home and schools because of his abuse and if the situation was violent I would place a pfa.  I just want an Attorney to hear me and help me then they will be paid.

  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 2:34 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    Thank you Karen for your reply and advise.  I am aware of how messy this will be when filing a divorce takes place but at this point in time he is making it impossible for me to even speak with an Attorney or file for a divorce.  My hands are tied.  He is trying to hurt me through our children and their needs.  He throws money around all the time for their toy's, ie, Ipod's, Ipad's, computer's, laptop's, gaming, cell phones, they have it all.  but when I need grocieries for them he makes me beg and starts big fights and tells me to get a job to get their groceries and when he does give me the money he tells me to only by food for them.  I am not aloud to have anything.  He eats out all the time and I cannot do anything. He is getting worse all the time with this control and he is using the kid's needs to scare me.  I don't have family and friend's that can help and my children should'nt have to leave their home and schools.

  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 3:13 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    Thank you for your reply Chancey1.  I guess my question is how do I get help with no money?  I have talked with domestic services here and was a client of Safenet and they were just not a help to me.  Attorney's want money up front and I can't afford to pay anything for legal advise.  I do want to know if what he is doing is even legal?  I own 1/2 our business and our home and work hard taking care of our kid's and our home.  

  • Thu, Oct 18 2012 3:24 PM In reply to

    • Drew
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on Thu, Mar 30 2000
    • PA
    • Posts 51,417

    Re: Abuse

    It is entirely possible that he is draining the marital pot and putting the funds someplace in "his" business where it will be hard for your to unwrap of find same...--you may need to get much more assertive about getting a solid grasp of the financial picture--and soon make a trip to divorce counsel  --the issue as to split of marital assets and the relative time line is both tricky and state specific.

    If you are on the accounts--go get access to account and your own supply of checks or whatever

    Better yet--get some legal counsel as to your options


    DO NOT alert hubby, friends, family or anybody except your lawyer as to whatever it is you are seeking to do---

    You sort of need a financial; warchest to declare war --or access to his funds (by court order -not rare for the financially weaker side of equation but that road is state specific --ask counsel)

  • Fri, Oct 19 2012 4:36 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    This situation gets worse with each day.  How is it legal for him to ruin my credit, stop payment on my car insurance, and stop maintaining our home because he said I can't afford to live here with our kid's if we get divorced so he is just going to let it go.  This is his children's home that he is letting fall apart.  He hasn't closed their pool or maintained it since August, it will be ruined.  I am trying so hard to find work and he know's I can't do anything because I don't have a job so he is making us suffer. I have to have some right's here.

  • Fri, Oct 19 2012 4:43 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    Have you tried local legal-aid organizations like this one:


  • Fri, Oct 19 2012 4:47 PM In reply to

    Re: Abuse

    Yes Karen I did.  They only handle uncontested divorces.  That isn't the case here, it is way complicated and divorce is based in indignitie's.

  • Fri, Dec 21 2012 10:31 AM In reply to

    • DPH
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on Mon, Oct 8 2001
    • TX
    • Posts 7,875

    Re: Abuse

    Joyce M. Belluomini:
     How is it legal for him to ruin my credit, stop payment on my car insurance, and stop maintaining our home because he said I can't afford to live here with our kid's if we get divorced so he is just going to let it go.

    IMHO, you need to stop listening to him and stop worrying about if what he is doing legal.  Legal, probably.  Morally right, not likely.  Jawboning what he can or cannot do gets you nowhere.  What will get you somewhere is taking firm decisive action.  Be that checking into a women's shelter, gaining access to business accounts or household accounts for funds, stealing his wallet while he sleeps, whatever.  YOU have to take positive action and only you can do it. 

    Are you saying that your name is not on one bank account somewhere in here you live?  If so, how is that possible?  Have you tried all of the women's shelters or organizations to see if they can aim you towards getting legal advise?  If so, try again.

    Nothing is going to change until you get his attention. As long as he can keep you "down", he wins.


    "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -  Mark Twain


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