Intentional infliction of emotional distress

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Latest post 10-25-2012 11:47 PM by Cica. 25 replies.
  • 10-21-2012 10:31 PM

    Intentional infliction of emotional distress

     

    I was in a relationship with a man that lasted for 2.5 yrs.  He was emotionally abusive.   I have been in therapy since the relationship ended two years ago.   My therapist believes this individual is personality disordered.   As a result of exposure to this man, I have developed complex post traumatic stress disorder.    The man ended our relationship immediately following a sexual encounter with me and simply stated he had been "using me" the entire two and a half years and he "appologized" for "dropping a bomb on me".   I have known this man since 1998 as he was a work collegue prior to our intimate relationship.   

    I am two years into my therapy from a rather shocking, sexual and emotionally abusive ending to this relationship.    There are many other transgressions that were in play, this is just his grand finale.     I have gone thru all stages of grief from the relationship and am somewhat stuck in the anger and depression stages of this experience.   

    I have been in contact with this individual off and on since this sexual dumping and taunting happened to me.    I am very angry and have been asking this man to meet with a mediator to discuss what he did to me and its affects.    He has of course refused.   

    He kept our relationship a secret from his "common law" wife whom is 15years his senior.  He is a 50 yr old man.    In my angry depressed stage, I have somewhat flipped my lid and I started contacting our former co workers and I told them what he did to me.    I also wrote his common law wife a three page letter explaining our "secretive relationship" he hid from her, and that he called HER his bizarre platonic relationship.    

    I have sent him at least a hundred or more emails, texts, and have left letters and voicemail expressing my horror and outrage of being emotionally raped - adding the sexual element to the actually breakup has just destroyed my emotional and sexual health.   

    No matter how I have tried to reach this man, he continues to deny me any closure or the courtesy of a mediated discussion with a therapist or county mediator.   One of the letters I left for him on his vehicle was picked up by his current girlfriend whom he has not told the truth .. And now he is very angry and is claiming I am harassing him.   He has filed some sort of case against me via King County in Seattle.   I have nothing to harm his property ... I have just been writing and writing, almost stuck in a loop trying to express the pain and damage he has inflicted on me.

    When we got involved I was still married and considering divorce.   I got a divorce during my relationship with this man and sometimes I feel he coaxed me out of my marriage to simply laugh at me afterwards, after he has enough sexual usage from me.      I am raising two kids on my own, and he is simply a single never married 50 yr old narccisist.  

    How do I protect myself from his claims at somehow he is the victim and I am the abuser?   

    How can I legally document his emotional abuse and its affect on my life?

    I feel like I am slipping thru the cracks and have no way to describe to any authority what I have been thru with this sociopathic individual.     

    Would a civil suit with intentional infliction of emotional distress help communicate what happened and protect me?    I have therapy expenses (two years worth) but I don't even care about that, I just want people to know what happened to me.  

    I am not a crazy person, I am a respectable middle aged women with a great career and I'm raising a few kids alone.    This man took so much from me under the disguise of being my friend and lover, yet he turned out to be a complete fake.   We had known each other for over ten years. I did nothing but give him support when he lost his job, I encouraged him, and tried to understand and be patient with him and his odd relationship with this old woman, yet he inevitablely sucker punched me with no warning whatsoever.    

    I feel so betrayed by him, yet now he is angry because I have exposed the truth about him to the "other women" he uses and he is trying to file some sort of harassment order against me. 

     

    If IIED might work for me, I'd sure appreciate any advice you can provide.

    Thank you 

     

     

  • 10-21-2012 11:37 PM In reply to

    • Kivi
      Consumer
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    • Joined on 01-01-2005
    • CA
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    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    You cannot force this man to do what you want him to do. The law will not compel him to do what you want.

    What the law will do is give him a restraining order, if you don't stop doing what you are currently doing. If you violate the order you could go jail.

    Hard as it may be, you must let this go. Lots of relationships end badly. Almost everyone has this experience. Most people seem to move onwithout the need to dwell on it indefefinetely. I suggest that you talk to a different therapist so that you can figure out how you can do this as well.

    Believe you will never do it your way.

     

  • 10-21-2012 11:38 PM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    You're not the first person to be dumped after a bad relationship and you won't be the last.

    Getting therapy for the experience is a good thing.

    Harassing him for "closure" is an incredibly bad thing.

    He's already got "closure" and doesn't want anything more to do with you.

    Hard to take, I know.

    But he's probably filed a restraining order against you and if you fail to comply with it you are likely to end up in jail. Then you'll have no career and your kids will be in foster care.

    I strongly suggest you back off and leave him alone. Nothing good can come of it.

    • The right of the people 
    • to keep and bear arms,
    • shall not be infringed.
  • 10-22-2012 12:07 AM In reply to

    • Cica
      Consumer
    • Top 25 Contributor
    • Joined on 09-23-2003
    • Posts 6,520

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    I have gone thru all stages of grief from the relationship and am somewhat stuck in the anger and depression stages of this experience.   

    If you are still in depression, you are still grieving.  I don't think a discussion with him two years after the fact is the correct approach.  Nor is sending him continued emails, texts, letters and voicemails -- apparently to which he is not responding.  He obviously feels no remorse; and you are brushing his ego -- so long as you keep the other woman uninvolved.  That's when he can file a harassment claim against you.  (Isn't your therapist giving any suggestion?).

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    I have just been writing and writing, almost stuck in a loop trying to express the pain and damage he has inflicted on me.

    Writing might be a good outlet for you, but it would probably be best if you kept your feelings in a journal.

    Nothing can require that he meet with you; you have no basis for a civil suit.  And, you have to understand that people aren't going to be interested in "what happened to you" because they have problems of their own.

    I highly doubt that an IIED tort could be applied to your situation.  If it could, the courtrooms would be packed.

    No.  You are not a crazy person.  You are very human.  You have to take appropriate steps to dismiss the guy from your life.  But the approach of wanting to talk with him, regardless of what you think your intended reason is, is wrong.  He is out of your life.  Put your feelings down on paper -- and keep them or destroy them.

    Good luck!

  • 10-22-2012 12:32 AM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    I haven't been served with anything so I'm not in violation of anything that I am aware of.    I'm not sure what he has initiated, but I have received nothing in the mail, no phone calls, just a business card from an inestigator on my door.    I sold my house recently so I have not been at the residence much.    If I am being served with something I would assume the investigation would include contact by phone?

    I have simply excercised my right of free speech.   I have exposed a psychopathic man and his compartmentalized sordid lifestyle to others and now he is the victim.   It's amazing what men can get away with. I suppose women are capable of this stuff too.   

    Apparently he has done this kind of thing before.   Our former co workers had much to say about his strange lifestyle.   One gentleman referred to him as "slick Willie" and said what a sick man he is.    I should have listened to my gut early on when things didn't add up. 

    I hadn't planned on contacting his new girlfriend, it was simply dumb luck that she picked up the letter. Probably a bunch of things she was never told have been exposed so he is ***angry at me now.   The pen is mightier than the sword.  

    He had told me that his new relationship was not as passionate or sexual as ours was, and my letter had a reference to his comment in it, so of course he has to explain himself to her and that's probably why he is so mad.   WHY would a guy say something like that to his ex anyway other than to cause more pain?  

    You are right .. Nothing good will come of it.     The letters were my way to even the score and as far as I know it's not illegal unless you are violating a restraining order, which currently there isn't one.  

    I am surprised at my own reaction to his mistreatment of me .. I have known him for 15 yrs and feel so betrayed. If I am served, I feel like going to the hearing to explain why it has gotten to this point. 

    I read that if you don't receive the no contact order in two weeks it is voided.   It's been  1 week already since "she" opened the letter meant for him.    

    Waiting for the other pin to drop.  

     

  • 10-22-2012 2:34 AM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    He kept our relationship a secret from his "common law" wife whom is 15years his senior.

    Currently, only 9 states recognize formation of marriage by common law. Washington state is not one of them. As a result, whether or not he refers to her as his "common law wife" he cannot have formed any common law marriage with her in Washington. The only way to get married in Washington is a formal marriage that meets the requirements of the Washington statutes.

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    How do I protect myself from his claims at somehow he is the victim and I am the abuser?

    I suggest you start by ceasing your contacts with him and his girlfriend. It's clear that the contacts are not wanted and that he has no interest in the mediation you want. Continued efforts to contact him to berate him over how he treated you and to try to get him to somehow give you closure may well find you having to defend against a restraining order action. You cannot force him to go to mediation with you. You cannot force him to give you "closure."

    Continuing to try to do that will only lead to frustration for you and will, I think, hinder rather than help you in your efforts to get over this and to move on with your life. Focusing so much energy and time on a guy who no longer wants any relationship with you isn't productive for you and isn't helpful for you. If your therapist isn't helping you to get past this toward a life that doesn't involve dwelling on this guy then you need a new therapist.

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    How can I legally document his emotional abuse and its affect on my life?

    I'm not sure what you mean by "legally document." But to the extent that you are asking for the courts or legal system to vindicate you and affirm that he was the bad party in the relationship, that's not what the courts are for. They are not there to help you get closure.

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    If IIED might work for me, I'd sure appreciate any advice you can provide.

    At least just from what you've said here, there isn't a good intentional infliction of emtional distress claim. So far, all I see from what you've said is that you had a bad break up with a guy in whom you'd invested a lot of emotional energy and effort.  Bad break ups happen every day. It's a common part of life. No one likes being dumped. It can hurt to have someone you loved tell you he/she doesn't want to be involved with you any more. Some guys are jerks; he may be one of those guys. But being a jerk and suddenly dumping you aren't things that the law will compensate you for.  Feel free to contact some Washington state lawyers to see if you have anything to pursue here. But unless there is a lot more to this than you've indicated here, I don't see anything to sue for.

    Even if you could sue, it might not be the best thing to do for your emotional health. Doing that would keep you dwelling on him for another couple of years. You probably need to get away from spending time and effort on this guy and instead focus your life on doing things that have nothing to do with him. You've perhaps heard the phrase "living well is the best revenge." If you want to show this guy up, live well without him. Move on to do some great things for yourself and your kids.

  • 10-22-2012 10:36 AM In reply to

    • Cica
      Consumer
    • Top 25 Contributor
    • Joined on 09-23-2003
    • Posts 6,520

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    The pen is mightier than the sword ... The letters were my way to even the score

    The score is not even.  On the contrary, you've stroked his ego even more.  Now from the legal aspect he has the advantage of obtaining an RO on you because of "obsession" -- through your emails, text messages, letters and voicemails. 

    He has dismissed you from his life, and the only time he will reopen to you will be in court if you keep interfering with his.  And, for the past two years, you have only shown him why he should not "fall in love with you" again.

    Considering his contact numbers have remained the same, I think what you have to recognize is that you are dealing with a narcissist.  You're trapped because you are not appropriately dealing with your emotions and feelings. You state that you are seeking closure, but that only will occur within yourself. He has no need or purpose to acknowledge the relationship and take responsibility for his role in it.  Your need is to understand that it is ended; it ended a long time ago.

    Ask yourself what you've accomplished for yourself and your family these past two years.  You are now looking for reasons to sue him.  You are actually having a countdown to how long before an RO must be filed. 

    Someone who is not part of your life seems to have taken precedence over all of your interests.   

    You have an obsession that needs control by someone other than a narcissist.  Talk with your therapist. 

    Good luck.

  • 10-22-2012 11:56 AM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    I believe there was a very deliberate intention to harm, and humiliate.  ... Who else would live with a 65 year old woman (he use to sleep with 15 years ago) all while toying around with other women.   They've purchased multiple homes together so I found, and she seems to have moved in and out dozen of times, when he meets a new target.    Who lives that way?

    That is what narcissists do, the idealize you at first, devalue and discard.  &n... Interesting when you say his contact numbers have remained the same ... that is a very good point.   I always wondered that myself.  

    I think he enjoyed the attention until his "weird common law spouse" found out, and of course the new women who I'm certain he hasn't explained the details on how he ended our relationship.  He just says "I eneded it badly".    Not to be graphic, but it ended very badly and was very traumatic for me.

    He sure does "cry" and put on a big pity ploy to get everyone sucked into his schemes.   I think he is really hacked off that his latest dupe found the letter I left for him ..

    Why am I doing this.    I have to ask myself that and I think its because I have simply wanted to sit in front of a councelor/mediator and have him describe how he conducts his triangular relationships with this old woman in the middle.  &nb... Yes, its all purely emotional, but this was the most bizzare situation I have ever experienced in my entire life.    He spent most of his time at my house to avoid his "companion", so I have pretty bad feelings about my own home.   All of this has nothing to do with the law .. I am seeing that from the honest responses I am getting.   Thank you everyone.

    For the record, I do NOT want the man back, but wanted to expose his antics which is what I've done.  If he files a restraining order that's fine ... I have already accomplished what I set out to do because he is "in tears" again because people are finding out the truth, and he claims he should commit suicide.   That's what he said in 2008 when I first me him, and he saying it again in 2012 (yet he is still here and hasn't offed himself yet.   hmmm).    I think he is a Borderline Personality Disordered male .. they are very tearful and use pity to hook you.   I have learned more than I ever care to know on the subject.

    No, this person is not part of my life anymore, but he has completely disrupted my life.   I was separated when all this started and I headed for divorce because I was focused on him and his problems.   He was actually a friend of over a decade and I fell right into the whole thing, trusting him because i knew him (so I thought).

    Unfortunately I am very isolated in my work ... I work from home where most of his sexual using of me took place.   I recently sold my home and will be moving would should help alot ... plus I do feel much better that I have told the truth instead of keeping it all a secret. 

    I have accomplished alot for myself and my kids, we are doing fine.   I just am not the same person I use to be after this horrible experience, and still feel there is no recourse for a woman who is abused this way.   Not liking the victim label, I have fought back...even if it gets me into some trouble.  

    So far, they haven't been able to find me because he doesn't even realize I sold my house.   I don't work in an office, so I can work anywhere.   I am a needle in a haystack at the moment.   

    If I do have to appear before a judge, I'm not even sure where to begin.   I was thinking of asking my councelor to write a letter for me in the event that I need one.

    I do feel that I am done making my points with him, or making messes in his life for him like he did for me.   

  • 10-22-2012 12:12 PM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    The bottom line here is that you need to stop what you are doing. Period.

    If all you do here is give us arguments justifying what you are doing (there is no justification) you're just deluding yourself and people are just going to stop responding.

    You have no legal basis for any legal action.

    What you are doing IS harassment and probably stalking.

    If you want to know what he filed, look up your name on the county court's website case search feature. The process server will get to you sooner or later.

     

    • The right of the people 
    • to keep and bear arms,
    • shall not be infringed.
  • 10-22-2012 12:37 PM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    I understand what you are saying.   What he did was not a crime, and he was not my spouse or domestic partner, which makes my claim even weaker.   I have heard there are advocates for people who suffer from abuse (both physical and emotional), but not from any legal angle unless its criminal (battery or something).  You cannot see the emotional scars infliced by people like this ...and they are horrific.  

    I have stopped contacting him, but the last letter I left for him was picked up by his girlfriend and I'm sure it was eye opening.   I know from my experience with the man, he compartmentalized everyone so no one knows what's going on.   Heaven forbid if these women acutally compared his stories.  &n... I had not intended the letter to get into her hands, it was truly dumb luck or an accident, one of the two.  

    He will have to renew his case every two weeks until they find me, but I have no forwarding address because I have not purchased a new home yet.   I am building one and will be homeless until Feb 15, 2013 so I'll be curious if he will continue to renew his order every two weeks.   I am traveling for work and staying with relatives out of town. 

    He erased me from his life, and by gosh, I am really have been erased.   I don't exist.  

    Thank you all for your advise.   If I do go to court, I suppose there isn't much a judge would want to hear from me other than yes or no answers.   Judge Judy comes to mind...

  • 10-22-2012 1:09 PM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    I am really have been erased.   I don't exist.  

    To him.

    But if that's your perception about yourself, then concentrate on your therapy.

    • The right of the people 
    • to keep and bear arms,
    • shall not be infringed.
  • 10-22-2012 1:21 PM In reply to

    • DPH
      Consumer
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 10-08-2001
    • TX
    • Posts 7,541

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    He will have to renew his case every two weeks until they find me, but I have no forwarding address because I have not purchased a new home yet.

    Don't get your hopes up that they won't find you and please don't try to make it a game.  If somebody truly wants to find you, they will and you won't be able to do anything about it.

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    I am traveling for work and staying with relatives out of town. 

    They can serve you at work or your relatives.  Makes no difference.

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
      I don't exist
     

    You need to get your head straight and decide that he doesn't exist. 

    Slipping_thru_the_cracks:
    If I do go to court, I suppose there isn't much a judge would want to hear from me other than yes or no answers. 

    You are correct and if by some chance you ended up in jail, that's the same answers that your keepers will want to hear.

     

    "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -  Mark Twain

     

  • 10-22-2012 1:24 PM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    I have a good sense of self, I'm just burned out raising two kids by myself with very little help.  One kid is a special needs girl that her Dad could not cope with.  Kind of mean to have your "friend" of 15 years cobber you for no reason .. no warning, nothing, especially after I stood by him and his 15 month stent of unemployment; I helped him out quite a bit actually so I was shocked that he could do this to me.   &... I so did not need this added to my load ... I guess that's why I am feeling so angry.

    He wanted to erase me, now he wants to find me.   Go figure.

    Thank you for the advice ... this has helped me put things into perspective.  While it feels like justice, its really not.   It is just being a trouble maker (not that it isn't well deserved, but overall - the wrong thing to do)

  • 10-22-2012 2:42 PM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    To put it bluntly, all he has to do is show his girlfriend your other letters and emails and he's got an excellent chance of convincing her you are a jilted ex who can't let go.

    Stop now.  I doubt you'll get on Judge Judy unless she wants to give you a piece of her mind.

    I've been jilted by someone I thought I couldn't get over, and I agree - you're just stroking his ego now.

  • 10-22-2012 3:13 PM In reply to

    Re: Intentional infliction of emotional distress

    Well, I don't believe its quite like that.   He is an emotional basket case himself, always in tears about what he's done to other people.   Its not his ego I am stroking, I exposed his real personality, which can be rather nasty and full of double standards.   That was his worst fear ... as he told me this spring "I don't want people to know how messed up I am."

    I don't care what the new woman thinks of me, she is getting the big snow job from him anyway and she will get her turn.  He has a long list of short term failed relationships, except for the old lady he keeps in the show (or house).  &nb... common law wife, or home base.   Geeeeze, it was all so weird.   If I wouldn't have known him, I probably wouldn't have tried to help him or listen to his sob story.     

    In my letter I mentioned a comment he made to me about how "he and she - the new woman" do not have the same kind of passionate relationship we had shared.   REALLY?   Why he said that to me is a mystery, but she had the misfortune of reading my comment about that in the letter and I'm sure that has caused him to have to explain himself.  &n... I'm sure the letter is more information than the poor woman has received in the entire time they've been dating.   I really didn't mean for her to receive it.   I don't even know who she is.  

    Our mutual co workers had said something about the "new" woman, a little weird herself, kind of a step down.   My ex was never comfortable with me because I kept my job during the recession and he lost his ... all I did was help him write his resume and look for work in the most positive and encouraging way I could, and apparently he prefers to date someone he can be superior to (aka earn more money).  

    Oh well ... trust me, no ego stroke.    Just me, the angry bird trying to make him "feel" something.  ... I know, a waste of time.   This has turned into more of a Dr. Phil show than Judge Judy.    I don't think my case is good judge judy material.  &... I did however, get on the Suze Orman show once on the "can I afford it segment", thanks to my 12 year old daughter!  :<)

     

     

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