what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

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Latest post 11-30-2012 2:09 PM by Mother in Florida. 25 replies.
  • 11-26-2012 7:21 AM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    Ok, you sound exactly like I did when I was going through this and honestly, I don't think your situation will turn out any different because your ex sounds just like mine.

    He won't be agreeable at mediation because it is a twisted way for him to keep controlling you and this situation.   You have to pay for mediation, you have to pay for your attorneys fees, so whether you are paying those fees to sit in mediation and bang your head against the wall or go to court, you are still paying.

    If mediation fails, you are not likely to get different results if you go back a second and third time and it isn't saving you money.  I don't mean this about you, but I heard a saying ..."the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."  Think about it.

    When you go to mediation, your attorney needs to fight for you and what you want. YOU have say.  You want a painfully detailed mediation agreement that outlines EVERYTHING you could possibly think of regarding custody, visitation, holidays, exchange times, exchange locations, who drives to drop child off, who drives to pick child up... summer vacation, etc...  The more detailed it is the less likely you will have to go back to court in the future.  Two hours for mediation really is not very long.  I sat in mediation a full day. If you feel you are getting somewhere with it, by all means ask to have another session, but if your ex is fighting every single thing, don't waste your time or money and let a judge decide.

    What has been the custody/visitaiton schedule during these two years? Was he court ordered to pay CS? If he was, time for your attorney to file for enfocement/contempt.  You playing nice is great, but clearly it isn't getting you anywhere. Financial situation doesn't dictate primary custody.  The courts like to maintain status qou so if the child has been with you this whole time and Dad every other weekend, that is what would very likely be ordered in court.  Through mediation my ex was given EOW plus two nights for dinner a week. He was fighting for primary custody because he too did not want to pay child support.  As soon as it was court ordered, he stopped the dinners, stopped the Friday night of the EOW and eventually stopped seeing them altogether.  It wasn't about the children, it was about control and I am pretty sure that is what your ex is trying to do to you.

  • 11-26-2012 8:11 AM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    Thank you for your response!

    Yes, I will have to spend money either way I go, more mediation or court. All this money could go towards our child and that's why I'm thinking twice before I do anything. 

    I have full custody, Dad has had supervised visitation and then unsupervised, and then supervised again because the drinking, drinking and driving and violence.

    There is no court ordered child support. I have filed almost 2 years ago (in couple of months it will be 2 years) for child support and parenting plan. I had to file again because Dad's lawyer didn't have time for a court (she is very busy lawyer). Dad didn't show up in court. I filed 3rd time, Dad showed up in court, interrupted our motion and started with his own demand-full custody and visitation. It was a mess in a court room. We ran out of time (30 min) and my child support motion didn't give us any child support order. Nothing got ordered. There is a retroactive child support and back child support owed by the law, and then... I don't know - no child support really owed right now because there is no court order. There is just a law that I try to enforce but I'm drained out financially.

    Now I try with the mediation - hoping to save money. Dad is a bully and his tactics are wasting everybody's time, not getting any results and meantime makes allegations that are baseless and hurtful. It all is proceeded with a calm smile and when it's time to show any proof of his allegations he changes the subject and brings forward a new allegation.

    Our child and I live in FL, Dad lives in CT. Our child has always lived with me.

    Yes, details are necessary, they should be there, you are right. This will be lots of details!

    Thank you for the support! I will read your post again and take some notes for preparing for the mediation.

    Thank you!

  • 11-26-2012 9:09 AM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    I truly wish you the best of luck!! I know exactly what you are going through.

    A few things really jump out at me that should weigh heavily in your favor.... the fact the child has been with you all along will weigh very heavily with the judge.  Courts do not like to make changes that will negatively affect the child so they like to maintain things the way they are.  That is a huge positive for you. 

    The second is the fact Dad has had supervised visitation and then had to have it again.  That will weigh heavily in your favor.

    and third...Dad is in Connecticut.  Courts are not likely at all to take the child from the parent that has been with them all along and send them out of state to a parent who had to have supervised visitation.

    I would never say it will definitely go one way or the other but you have alot of positives going for you should it go to court.

    Not that a mediator has final say, but when we had ours, and my ex was fighting for primary custody, the mediator told him "that will never happen." He saw right through my ex.   I hope your ex shows up!! Don't be surprised if he doesn't. 

    Stay strong :0)

     

  • 11-26-2012 7:02 PM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    Thank you for all the support!

    Because the mediation is already day after tomorrow, I'm not going to be too long here.

    I will prepare myself as good as I can. I'm not sure the dad shows up.

    Thank you for the support, sometimes it helps more than anything else!

  • 11-29-2012 7:23 PM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    Hi again,

    I wanted to let the thread followers know that it's a lot to learn from this blog.

    As my before-discussed mediation is over I can truly say I learned a lot how to prepare for the mediation fro this blog where a Father is an intimidating force.

    Outcome of my mediation: the Father didn't show up, his lawyer started with bully and baseless allegations, the mediator had to split us up because the threaths didn't stop. The outcome was zero, nothing got solved and the Father's lawyer walked out from the mediation.

    There is no parenting plan, no child support, nothing.

    Maybe this overview will help others to see that when you have a question, ask it. And learn from the answers.

    Thank you!

     

  • 11-29-2012 7:40 PM In reply to

    • Drew
      Consumer
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 03-30-2000
    • PA
    • Posts 49,585

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    Dad is too busy to show up for mediation and cannot afford to pay CS but he can afford to send in his lawyer to make a fuss---wow --now how do you get that behavior before the judge?

    You are not going to get a CS order until you nail his feet to the floor in court --now its possible the order will be retoactive to the date it was properly filed -- but I suggest you use counsel to even up the odds.

     



  • 11-30-2012 8:35 AM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    What I learned from this theread is that being nice doesn't bring the case forward if the other side's goal is just harass and get a revenge. You can be nice and hope for the best but until the case is not in front of the Judge nothing is going to change.

    To realize that and reading the blog's advice on this issue gives me clear idea how to go on.

    Thank you!

  • 11-30-2012 10:41 AM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    I was hoping it would turn out otherwise, but not surprised at all by this.

    Time to get your attorney to get your motions filed for child support, parenting plan and to set it for trial.  The only way you are going to get this resolved now is by the judge. 

    Best of luck to you and stay strong!!!

  • 11-30-2012 11:08 AM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    Thank you a lot!

  • 11-30-2012 11:15 AM In reply to

    • DPH
      Consumer
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 10-08-2001
    • TX
    • Posts 7,602

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    Mother in Florida:

    Outcome of my mediation: the Father didn't show up, his lawyer started with bully and baseless allegations, the mediator had to split us up because the threaths didn't stop. The outcome was zero, nothing got solved and the Father's lawyer walked out from the mediation.

    So unfortunately you wasted money on mediation and have nothing to show for it.  Bast course of action now is to have your attorney file with the court to have the issue of CS settled once and for all.  Your attorney needs to figure out how she is going to get across to the judge that Dad is doing everything within his power to avoid hearings, mediation, whatever and that it needs to be resolved.  Do NOT be sucked into another round of mediation.  If you attorney isn't strong or agressive enough to handle Dad's attorney's action, you need to seriously consider retaining someone with "bulldog" qualities to represent you. 

    Mother in Florida:
    And learn from the answers

    And what have you learned?

     

     

    "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -  Mark Twain

     

  • 11-30-2012 2:09 PM In reply to

    Re: what to do if being afraid in a mediation?

    I've learned it makes sense to go to the court in front of the Judge and stop being nice because it doesn't solve anything.

    Either way I look at it, it will be expensive. Being nice is expensive. Going in front of the Judge is expensive. The difference is - Judge can at least order something. And then if the Dad doesn't comply - there will be sanctions.

    Our child needs food, clothing, education etc. every day. Being nice doesn't provide that.

    This blog gives the encouragement to ask questions and learn from the answers that are posted.

    It works.

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