How to request a company to take disciplinary action?

A person who works for Company A has caused emotional distress to me and my wife by having an affair with her. We work for different companies. She admits her mistake but what I want to know is how can I make this guy understand how painful it is for families to break apart.

How do I report about him at his company?

Here are some of my thoughts and questions. Kindly lets me know if any of these could be pursued.

1. Where is accountability in this country and society. There are laws to punish every criminal act but is what he has done any less crime?

2. Isn't the society accountable for the kind of people they have around them?

3. Aren't companies and colleges accountable for the kind of people they employ?

4. Isn't the person accountable for his actions? For ruining a family?

5. Isn't asking for sexual favors a crime? Isn't that a form of sexual harassment?

6. Isn't talking sexually, luring for sex by playing with emotions a form for sexual harassment?

7. Isn't doing this during company time and at company's expense make it a liability for the company he works for now? Didn't the employer fail to exercise reasonable care on the employee.

8. What if he made the first move and then threaten with reprisal when rebuffing repeated advances? Not sure if that can be proved though. Can we still complain?

9. Shouldn't corrective/preventive actions be taken against such individuals by the employers? Can we report about his actions to his employer and request for disciplinary action?

10. What if this person ruins another family tomorrow? Who will make him realize the mistake? Who will stop him? When will he stop?

11. Shouldn't his family know kind of person they have in them?

12. Isn't he responsible for the emotional distress he caused to our family?

13. How do I get protection from being retaliated for complaining?
 Can I report in advance to the police anticipating retaliation?

Please help me. I do not want our family to break part but at the same time cannot see this guy walk freely and worse still do this to yet another family.

Thank you.

It takes two to tango.  He didn't have an affair by himself.  You can't *make* his employer do anything to him but you can end up exposing yourself to a serious lawsuit by trying to get even.  Walk away and move on with your life. 

JKen:

1. Where is accountability in this country and society. There are laws to punish every criminal act but is what he has done any less crime?

Sorry, but only a few states still have laws on the books making adultry a crime — and California is not one of them. Even in those few states, the crime is no longer prosecuted. Simply put, in modern society this is no longer regarded as criminal conduct. Morally wrong, yes. But no one is going to be prosecuted for it. Also, most states, including CA, have eliminated the civil claims (known as "heart balm" actions) against the cheating spouse's paramour and against the cheating spouse as well. Thus, there is no legal remedy against him available to you.

There is also nothing to pursue against his employer or hers, unless there are some unusual facts that you failed to mention. Since your wife was a willing participant, there is no sexual harassment issue. In order for there to be a sexual harassment issue, the acts of the "harasser" must be unwanted. She'd have needed to tell him that the advances were not wanted and then if they continued, she'd file a complaint with her employer. The employer's responsbility in any sexual harassment situation is to make it stop. If her employer had failed then to make it stop, her employer might have been liable for sexual harassment Of course, since she was a willing participant in the affair, she wasn't about to tell her management that he was sexually harrassing her, right? In short, management was not informed there was a problem and there would be nothing for management to do in this instance.

JKen:

Can we report about his actions to his employer and request for disciplinary action?

Sure you can. But the company has no obligation to discipline him. If your wife now says she wants no sexual advances from the guy, the company should ensure that it stops. But that's the sole extent of what the company may be required to do. Note, too, that his employer may turn around and report the affair to her employer. That might get her disciplined or fired. Certainly it wouldn't make her look very good. After all, again, she was a willing participant in the affair, and some employers take a dim view of that sort thing happening with employees and contractors or customers for a variety of reasons.

The reality is that your wife was the one who had the obligation to protect your relationship and your family. She's the one who made the vows to you on the wedding day and the one in whom you placed your trust. The other guy made no promises to you and had no obligation to safeguard your marriage. That's your wife's job in this situation. She could have stopped it cold at the start by saying very clearly that she wasn't interested and that any future advances are unwanted and must stop. So, if you want someone to blame for this, it's your wife. I realize that's not what you want to hear, but that's how I think most people will look at adultry situations. 

You can't stop him from having relationships with other married women. He's committed no crime (at least not so far as your facts stated here indicate) and there isn't a civil claim against him for this. And, there appears to be no sexual harrassment issue that might make either company liable. Sure, you can report the affair to his employer, but that may end up coming back to bite your wife at her job. Since she was a willing participant in the affair, all that reporting this will do is damage the reputation of both the other guy AND your wife. Is that what you want?

Rather than focusing on revenge against the other guy, I suggest it is far better for you to focus your time and efforts in trying to save your relationship with your wife, if that's what you want. You can't undo what's been done. What you can do is try to repair the damage and make the relationship stronger. 

Your wife had to participate in this affair as well.

What would be the purpose of complaining to someone about this.

It would seem to me your time would be better spent working on marriage.

Did you want to report you wife to her employer also?  I didn't think so.

How do you know the man's family does not already know.  And let's assume they don't.  Let's assume he TOO made a BIG mistake.  Do you really think YOU telling anyone you can find that will listen is going to do any good.

And given all of that, what happens if you do get this guy into some sort of trouble.  Guess who he could be coming after to retaliate.  Do you really need more of a hassle than you have already gone through?

Those are just my thought.  The guy isn't "walking freely" as you state it.  He's dealing with it just as your wife is having to deal with it.  If we all worried about ourselves, rather than walking about saying "so and so" is getting away with this or that the world would be a better place.

When exactly did you turn into the moral compass for the world who judges and select punishments for those who don't meet your moral standard.

I feel for you.  But it's not your job to make sure this guy is punished.

JKen:

How do I report about him at his company?

About the same way he could report your wife.  Just because you are married to one of them doesn't make you "protected" or her the victim.

Revert every question you've asked in your post to your wife.  Why should they not be directed to her?

Instead of trying to make it an employee/employer issue, which you can't, understand that punishing one employee doesn't resolve the problem. 

The concentration should be on your marriage.  You and your wife would benefit more by talking with a marriage counselor. 

Nobody appointed you as a private morals police force--don't go there.

Now if you think this guy abused company time and company resources /expense account  to entertain your wife you are certainly entitled to start a mud fight over same with  his boss or those above that --but you may wind up with more mud on your side of the fence than you expected --and if you good beyond facts you can prove you might be in hot water for libel/slander.----

Personally in 2013 and outside the 'bible belt," I think you are nuts to engage in any such reprisal or protection quest.

I spent a good many years in HR, long ago, in some old strait laced firms --and people got fired for some strange things --even stupitity  and expense account abuse --but I don't recall adultry as being an excuse to get somebody fired...an expense trip on company expense account with a mistress --well perhaps ---but I'll bet 99% of that went  unaddressed in any offical channels ...and quite frankly in some  real old fashioned circles you might be in more hot water for your spouse's misconduct --and if you reported to me and you started some fight elsewhere and it spilled into my office / use of my  time/systems  I'd put you on my list to fire --well I've retired from those fights--but you get my point.

Fix your marriage --avoid the other guy!

Dear all,

My sincere thanks to everyone of you for all the replies and guiding me in the right path. You're all God-send to me and I wish you all only the best. Thanks for helping me out here. I could not even discuss this with any of my friends for fear of how it affect our family. So, while I haven't met any one of you before you're being more than a family to me here and I can't thank you enough for the same.

Yes, my wife's mistake is to have trusted him who is almost like a father figure. But she feels abused now. This guy took advantage of the situation and made advances towards her as if he was consoling her. The right thing for her to do would have been to stop her. She felt excited, she felt scared, she felt guilty and bad all at the same time. She was put into a helpless situation. She was being sexually abused. He stated to her not to tell this to anyone and scared her with all sorts of thoughts and consequences. He made use of the situation. She felt used.

Not just her, even I'm scared now on what he could do to me and her. We want to complaint but not sure if that is the right thing to do.

BTW...he is a widower. So, I don't think he is even repenting for his actions. We are..but I don't want to suffer. I just want him to know that what he did was wrong and at the same time protect us from him and indirectly others from his future actions.

Can we at least file a police report and have them warn him not to bother us any more and if not say that we'd press charges? I don't know if that is doable. Can we have an attorney represent us while we file a report? I want to make use of the justice/legal system (if there is one such) and protect my family from him. Will such things made public in media and ruin us further?

Will that make him even more dangerous for us?

Please advise. Any attorneys/mediators out there who can help us?

God bless you all.

As I said before, and my opinion stands, just let it be.

Leave it alone.  He's not bothering you now is he?

if he is, well sure, then maybe you file a police report.  But at the moment I think your best bet is to just watch this all fade away in your rear view mirror.

If I were you, I'd want to fix things with my wife.  Maybe you need to get some couples counsuling or something?  I don't know.  But i really and truly think that would be time better spent than posting on this board as to how you can get some guy none of us really know, that your wife apparently had an affair with, and now you want to come up with some way for him to pay for his sins.

God will see to that.  You don't have worry about it.

Revenge is mine sayeth the Lord.

Just let it go at that.

And be happy you sound like you are on the right track with your wife again.  That would be my major focus if I were you.

Good luck!

If the affair is over and done with and he is not currently bothering you, your family or your wife, then just let sleeping dogs lie. That would be my recommendation. (Not legal advice, BTW.)

If he is continuing to make advances or otherwise bother your wife, your wife certainly can report him to his employer. Your wife also can consider taking out a restraining order.

But, once you use the courts, you likely do create public records than anyone who wishes to do so can find. Now, most of us are not celebreties. For the most part, this stuff is not going to be interesting enough to justify a media report. However, you might have a "snoopy" friend, relative, or acquaintance who just might stumble upon the case and then "the cat is out of the bag". That's the risk that you take. Snoopy relatives are the ones that I would be worried about.. Almost all of us have a relative like this and the Internet makes it so much eaiser for such a person than in the old days.

Most police departments are probably going to tell your wife that this is a civil or family court matter and decline to even take a report. Unless the guy is persisting in his behavior, you or your wife probaby should not even go there. Police departments vary about how private such reports are, absent an arrest. There is no assurance, however, that such a report , if taken, would remain "confidential". You both should assume that it will not. It's not like either of you are a confidential informant reporting on illegal drug activity and your identifies must remain confidential for your own safety.  

In other words, unless his obnoxious behavior is continuing, this is not an issue well suited to the legal system. As others have suggested, your energies might be better directed towards trying to heal the wounds that have occurred and moving on with your lives.

I think a police report is way out of line and a threat to press charges for supposed criminal activity can backfire if you step over the line into "extortion" as is quite likley --suck it up and move on.

Exception: If your wife is addressing unwanted sexual demands made by her superior in that firm that are somehow tied to her ability to work there --then your wife may want to go have a very prompt discussion with some employment law attorney litigating sexual harassment matters under EEOC . (A small firm may not be covered for Federal issues --)

Does your wife still work there?

But this is not a slam dunk and it might be wiser to just move on....

Look, in the eyes of some, a female might well be the aggressor to advance her career etc...this is a two way street...

JKen:

Can we at least file a police report and have them warn him not to bother us any more and if not say that we'd press charges?

You can make a police report, but what crime has he committed? As I said before, participating in an affair is not a crime. You say she was being “sexually abused” but I suspect you are taking a rather expanded view of that term. Did he put a gun to her head to force her into this affair? Did he use extortion/blackmail? Or did he, as I suspect, simply use ordinary persuasion and pressure to motivate her? The latter is not illegal. So the details of his conduct matter. Just understand that it the affair itself isn't criminal. He had to so something else criminal, like rape, extortion, etc., for the police to take any interest in this. They won't care about the typical affair. 

JKen:

Will such things made public in media and ruin us further?

Police complaints are public records. So there is certainly the chance that this matter could end up getting some kind of public exposure should someone want to do that.

JKen:

He stated to her not to tell this to anyone and scared her with all sorts of thoughts and consequences.

Well of course he told her to keep it a secret. Affairs are typically done in secret because they are still viewed by many as morally wrong and can cause a variety of problems for the participants even though it's not a crime to have an affair in most states nor does it it in most states give rise to any legal claim. She'd not want to expose the affair either because of the effect it could have on the marriage. I'd be a bit wary of what she's telling you now, since she likely wants to make herself appear the victim here by overdramatizing the pressure he put on her for the affair. She has already been dishonest with you in conducting the affair, after all, so I'd not rule out that she's been a bit dishonent in how she portrays the affair. What “consequences” does she claim he threatened?

Unless his conduct was extreme enough to rise to the level of a crime (e.g. rape, extortion, blackmail, etc), then as I said before I think you are better off forgetting any kind of revenge against this guy and instead ought to focus on your relationship with your wife. You evidently are having a hard time doing that and are dwelling on somehow making the other gu pay for this. Quite honestly, that's just going to caused continual aggravation for you if you keep dwelling on that. It's just not a productive thing to for you to do if this was your basic ordinary affair.

.

JKen:

A person who works for Company A has caused emotional distress to . . . my wife by having an affair with her.

You understand how ridiculous this sounds, right?

JKen:

how can I make this guy understand how painful it is for families to break apart.

This is not a legal issue.

JKen:

How do I report about him at his company?

It's not even remotely clear what your wife's adulterous conduct with this man has to do with his employment. Nevertheless, you can tattle on him by picking up the phone, writing a letter or an e-mail, or visiting his place of employment.

JKen:

Where is accountability in this country and society. There are laws to punish every criminal act but is what he has done any less crime?

Adultery is still on the books as a crime in a handful of states.  California is not one of them.

JKen:

Isn't the society accountable for the kind of people they have around them?

Huh?

JKen:

Aren't companies and colleges accountable for the kind of people they employ?

In some contexts yes.  For example, if a pizza restaurant employs Bob as a delivery driver and Bob negligently causes an accident while in the process of delivering a pizza, then his employer will be vicariously liable for the damages caused.  On the other hand if, on Bob's day off, Bob attends a local chili cook off, becomes intoxicated, and physically attacks someone who suffers significant medical bills as a result, his employer will have no liability.  To put it more broadly, employers are not generally liable for any bad act that any employee commits, regardless of whether it has any connection whatsoever to the employment relationship.

JKen:

Isn't the person accountable for his actions? For ruining a family?

There are a couple states (and I literally mean only a couple) that still recognize a civil lawsuit against a person who commits adultery with a married person.  California has never recognized such a claim.

JKen:

Isn't talking sexually, luring for sex by playing with emotions a form for sexual harassment?

The term "sexual harassment" has no legal meaning outside of the employment context.  If a supervisor is constantly subjecting a subordinate to sexual advances and sexual talk against the subordinate's wishes, then the subordinate may have a sexual harassment claim against the supervisor and possibly also against the employer.  Did this man and your wife work together and, if so, what she his subordinate?

JKen:

Isn't doing this during company time and at company's expense make it a liability for the company he works for now?

No because, unless his employer is some sort of male escort service, engaging in conduct relating to an adulterous relationship with your wife was not within the course and scope of his employment.

JKen:

Didn't the employer fail to exercise reasonable care on the employee.

I have no idea.  However, even if it did, it's not legally relevant.

JKen:

What if he made the first move and then threaten with reprisal when rebuffing repeated advances? Not sure if that can be proved though. Can we still complain?

If the guy and your wife worked together and she was a subordinate (I'm not sure if we're supposed to assume that is the case, but your post is silent about this), then you are describing a classic case of sexual harassment.  Obviously, you can complain to whomever you like, but one of the main issues will be whether your wife has suffered any adverse employment action as a result of this man's conduct.  Your post is silent about this.

JKen:

Shouldn't corrective/preventive actions be taken against such individuals by the employers?

In a perfect world, yes.  This is why larger companies have sexual harassment training.  However your post is completely silent about whether their employer (assuming they worked together) knew about what was happening.  Did your wife report what was happening to her employer (e.g., someone in HR or this guy's supervisor).

JKen:

Can we report about his actions to his employer and request for disciplinary action?

I can't believe you think there is any reasonable possibility that the answer to this question is anything but yes.  You obviously can report anything you like to anyone.

JKen:

What if this person ruins another family tomorrow?

"What if?" questions are often some of the most useless questions ever.

JKen:

Who will make him realize the mistake? Who will stop him? When will he stop?

If it happens again, maybe the next guy's husband will be a gun enthusiast with little regard for homicide laws.

JKen:

Shouldn't his family know kind of person they have in them?

Not a legal issue.

JKen:

Isn't he responsible for the emotional distress he caused to our family?

If this guy was a co-worker of your wife, if she was a subordinate, and if, as a result of this conduct, she suffered adverse employment action or she reported the action and the employer failed to take reasonable action to stop it, she may be entitled to recover emotional distress damages against him and/or the employer.  If these conditions are all true, she should consult with a local employment law attorney.

JKen:

How do I get protection from being retaliated for complaining?
 Can I report in advance to the police anticipating retaliation?

As I said previously, you can report anything you like to anyone.  However, you should step back and think about this for a second.  Imagine you are a cop and a guy walks into the police station where you are manning a desk.  He says, "Hello.  I would like to report that my wife is having [or had] an affair with a particular man.  I reported the affair to the man's employer and I want to report that I 'anticipat[e] retaliation.'"  How would you react to such a report?  What exactly would you have the police do in such a situation based on nothing more than an unsupported allegation (even if true) and a bald suspicion?

Unless your wife and this guy worked together and he had supervisory responsibility over her, there is no legal issue here whatsoever.