Custody and new wife

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Latest post Wed, Aug 17 2016 4:04 AM by David Billy. 39 replies.
  • Mon, Jun 9 2014 10:51 PM In reply to

    • JohnF1984
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    Thanks for all your advice....Things pretty much went down south for good. I tried taking your advice but honeslty i can not bring myself to send my son home...His mother took him away from me for 14 years and i don't want to waste another moment. My wife and i had a conversation and started of ok but half way through it just went down south and i told her that i hated her just as much as i hate my ex and told her to go "F" herself in anger. She told me i needed major counseling and walked away. I am sure this is pretty much the end of our marriage....The bad part about it is my wife tried to have this conversation in the bedroom but i was so angry and exposed my son to it. I feel like my wife is also going to cheat me from my son

  • Mon, Jun 9 2014 11:10 PM In reply to

    • DPH
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    JohnF1984:
    She told me i needed major counseling and walked away.

    Take this comment for what it is worth.  After following all of your posts on this thread, you DO need counseling. 

    JohnF1984:
    I feel like my wife is also going to cheat me from my son

    Get over it.  Whatever happens will happen because of your decisions and actions.  No one else, so don't try and blame it on your ex or your present wife.

    JohnF1984:
    i told her that i hated her just as much as i hate my ex and told her to go "F" herself in anger.
     

    You at least need to get to the bottom of your anger issues because you sure seem like a very angry dude to me.

     

     

    "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -  Mark Twain

     

  • Tue, Jun 10 2014 1:30 PM In reply to

    • splum1
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    JohnF1984:
    i am not going to put my wife before my son. If she leaves me and takes my baby then i guess it is something i will live with

    Your words. How did you really think this would end up? You made important marital decisions by yourself, basically told her her thoughts and opinions didn't matter and YOU said you were ok with her leaving with the baby as long as the older child stayed.  You caused this mess.  Not her, you. 

  • Wed, Jun 11 2014 9:57 AM In reply to

    • Drew
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    Not that my layview carries any weight --but I think just about all your points are wrong.

    A 15 year old may not have a offical legal weight to what he wants --but if he prefers Mom and that is not inconsistent with the order then I'd have son back at Moms by sundown tonight .

    Presumably the order has some provision for your visitation with son--if not, seek same.

    Your points about a better school district leave me cold.

    Whether you can save your marriage is a tough call



  • Wed, Sep 3 2014 8:59 PM In reply to

    • tasha01
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    As for the legal matters... Your wife has zero legal say in whether you obtain full custody. She can however interfere with your goal in other ways. Its fairly easy for an immoral person with inside information to sabotage a custody case. Your wife does however have a legal obligation to offer a reasonable level of support to your son while married to you when he is in your home just as anyone does any child. The support can be financial or emotional. If there is no food in the home, you and your ex are unreachable and your son is missing meals as a result she is obligated to feed him for example. She is also obligated to refrain from inducing any emotional distress. 

     I am a step mom.. And I will say on an emotional note and aside from legal issues, I completely differ from the other posts. I do agree, making decisions without discussing them with your wife and giving your ex more say on matters that equally affect your current wife is wrong wrong wrong. Betrayal even. However, this was nine months ago. If she has any desire to make your marriage work she should have forgave and forgotten months ago. This is of course assuming it was a one time mistake and not a normal mistreatment on your end. 

     Also, I find it uncaring, selfish and unloving of your wife to not want you to have as much time as possible with your son. How would she feel if you two divorced and she was told her baby was basically unwelcomed in her home? Personally, I am sure to make it abundantly clear to my husband, step kids and my step kids bio mom that this is as much their home as it is mine and my husbands and my child together. They are welcomed at ANY time as anyone would be in their own home. She has full physical custody though we have them more than her. 

     Shouldn't wherever your home is also be your Childs home regardless of custody status? You and your ex divorced. Not you and your son. 

     This is all also assuming your son does not pose a threat of danger to your wife and baby. 

     Regardless of any assumptions. Say my assumptions are incorrect. Say its so bad that you're really having an affair with your ex, emotionally abusing your wife and your sons in a gang and sells dope. Non of this could even begin to excuse her behavior to your son. Not by a long shot! It disgusts me the way she treats him according to your description. The way I see it, if you can't love a mans kids as your own you have no business being with him.

     Of course boundaries should not be crossed as in over stepping your place as a step parent. But you should love that child the same way you love your own... And you should treat that child the same way one expects any parent to treat their child. Sure step is in there too but so is PARENT!

     Sure, it gets frustrating having someone eldest kid around before the bond has grown. Sure it gets hard giving a child all of your love and having to keep a respectful distance at the same time. Its hard to take on all of the responsibility of being a parent with non of the rights. Its frustrating as heck! But being a bio parent is too in different ways. And we don't neglect our biochildren when the stress of parenthood adds up so why would we our step kids?

     When it comes down to it, your son did not decide to divorce. He did not have a say in that. Nor did he decide for your new wife that she should marry a divorced man with a kid that would not be biologically hers. You and your ex made that first choice... And though you were apart of the second choice you did not hold a gun to her head and have a reverse shot gun wedding. Why should your son have to suffer from his parents divorce any more than he already has? Why would someone purposely inflict extra suffering on him out of spite towards you? 

     Personally, I could not be with someone that was capable of treating my kid that way and I would not allow my kid to endure that. However everybody is different and that's your choice. My advice id have for you if you were a friend would be this. Discuss how her actions are affecting your son and how he is just a kid and doesn't deserve that. Ask if it is possible for her to attempt to create a relationship with him and bond with him and maybe in the future maybe even love him as her own. That last part will be more difficult than it was for me considering his age. She has two years to create a parental bond with him while mine were 4 and 9 when we met. But her willingness to try is what's important. 

     If she's dead set on hating you for a mistake you made 9 months ago and dead set on punishing you by mistreating your son she's undeserving of being apart of your family. I feel BLESSED that my husband ALLOWED me to be a part of the family he ALREADY had. I was not and am not interested in him having his family that visits at times that I must put up with and me and our daughter as his second family. that's what it sound like your wife wants. If she refuses to try then it IS what she wants. If thats the case and you're okay with that, you need to drop this custody thing and do what you can to keep your wife and baby in your home. If not, it's time to let her go. 

     Remind her, when you and your ex divorced your parental status in your sons life did not change and when she married you her parental status in his life DID change and she's acting as though it's the other way around. Be respectful and considerate not confrontational and be careful not to offend or insult in your wording. Tell her you love her, want her as you wife and respect her options. But she must also respect that you love your son and what him in your life as well. That he, your new baby and yourself are a packaged deal. 

  • Wed, Sep 3 2014 9:16 PM In reply to

    • tasha01
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    One more thing.. As for putting your wife above your son.. I know as parents were automatically wired not to put anyone above our kids. And I do agree with the sentiment. There are grey areas. Your marriage really should be put above EVERYTHING including your children within reason. You made vows till death do you part. That means you are obligated to do anything you can to make that happen. It's not a flimsy druken new years resolution. It is a vow and a serious commitment. Obviously kids have to come first in most ways. Don't think of it as putting her first. Think of it as making her and your marriage a priority. After all, your baby is greatly affected by your willingness to do this. So through cause and affect if you refuse to you're also refusing to put your baby on your priority list. 

     This is from a non biased standpoint ignoring her behavior to your son which is unacceptable. Continuing in a situation that is very bad for your son and giving your heart to a woman that has no compassion for your own kid is not what I mean by making her and your marriage a priority. I mean TRYING to resolve that situation. 

     Her actions to your son are inexcusable. But her resentment toward you probably stems from feeling as though her, your marriage and your baby together don't rank on your priority list. Instead of saying "if you don't like it leave" and making her feel she and her baby are unimportant to you say "what is it that makes you uncomfortable with it? Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable with it? You and our baby are so important to me but so is my son... Is there anything we or I can do to make it so we are all one family, one team and so that I don't have to choose between the three most important people in my life?" Have you tried apologizing for your mistake? Have you explained how important your family together is to you but you want your son to be included in that family? That you made your rash decision because you are still learning how to incorporate her into the parenting decisions without being a bad dad and not because of lack of commitment and dedication to her? Non confrontational open communication that brings up The problem, helps find a mutually beneficial solution and validate your spouses importance is vital to a happily blended family. 

     

  • Wed, Sep 3 2014 9:29 PM In reply to

    • tasha01
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    Your marriage doesn't have to be over. It's all in how willing you and she is to find a solution. You said it started out good then went down hill. Tell your wife you know you have a hard time dealing with your anger. Tell her you will work on it but in the mean time create a safe word that you will say when in a conversation you begin to feel irritated. When you say this word the conversation is dropped until you are rational enough to continue it in the mature respectful manner you began it. If you find you are often using the safe word and or too angry to use it at all you really should seek counseling. It's not unusual to get angry and say things you don't mean. It's not unusual to have to walk away and calm down during a touchy conversation. It is not healthy to have to constantly walk away though... And also usually before someone says something they don't mean they know it's coming. Whether they sense it, or they are thinking the thoughts and refrain from saying them until the anger becomes too much and they stop thinking as straight... It's usually preventable. If it's not preventable for you because the anger level isn't gradually raising over time and instead it's calm to so angry you can't think or if your having to constantly walk away to prevent yourself from getting to an irrational point it's likely there's an underlying reason for it. Even if there's not, professional help will still be beneficial because it'll teach you how to manage that. 

  • Thu, Sep 4 2014 5:22 AM In reply to

    • David Billy
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    Yes i am also going to suggest him that give your son back to his mother but it will be taugh decision to make for saving your current marraige.

  • Mon, Nov 17 2014 1:17 PM In reply to

    • sailorchick
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    Tasha I disagree with your take on the new wife. You have no evidence that she has done anything wrong. She has no legal obligation to care for her husband's child by previous relationship. You assert that she does but you don't cite any laws. You are just throwing that out there to see if it sticks. Obviously if he left her in charge of a toddler that would be one thing but a 14 year old can feed, bathe and dress himself.

    Had he discussed the situation with her from the get go and made her feel like her input was important, things might have turned out differently but he admitted to disrespecting and belittling his new wife and so he will reap the fruits of his behavior. She is not to blame here. In fact, she is probably trying to mind her own business which is what most step parents don't know how to do. In fact, step parents are legal strangers to a child and interfering with custody issues as a step can cause havoc to both parties and especially to the child(ren). Get the hint?

     

  • Wed, Aug 17 2016 4:04 AM In reply to

    • David Billy
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    Re: Custody and new wife

    The fact that a parent remarries does not, of itself, require any change in the custody of a child. After a divorce, parents are free to form new relationships. As long as that new relationship does not adversely affect a child, the court is unlike to make a change in custody.

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