Thanks to everyone for their responses. And thank you for not judging us harshly. In a brief post, as you all know, it's impossible to list 11 years of problems, grief, legalities and issues.
It's not that my husband and I abandoned him. Nothing could be further from the truth. In the first 2 3/4 years, we spent in excess of 10K trying to find them. We flew down to Florida twice when the PIs found them, only to have her flee before we got there.
And yes...there has been counseling for him. According to his Mother and the counselor (she signed a release to allow us access), he goes and sits...refuses to even say "Hello" to the counselor. Silence and a smirk is what the counselor said. He's been to private counselors, school counselors, court ordered counselors, etc. He has Parole Officers involved as well.
We told my younger SS...initially...that we wanted him to come home with the oldest. The problem? Youngest SS KNOWS his Mother is a marshmallow and he can do whatever he wants and she can't/won't stop him (claims she has fibromyalgia and is "just too weak"...ya, right) and that we would NEVER tolerate the crap he pulls. So, he has said he doesn't even want to see us right now. His Mother has been using us as a threat...."Straighten up or I'm sending you to live with your Dad, and you KNOW they'll kick your azz"...stuff like that.
I want him to get help. I don't want to see him throw his life away. And I'll help in anyway I can...short of allowing him to live in our home and destroy our younger children and ruin our marriage.
Thanks again. I appreciate the feedback.